


Brokenhearted

by SeptemberCrypt



Category: Smallville
Genre: F/M, Idiots, M/M, Mental Illness, Murder, Spoilers, emotionally stunted idiots, i have no idea what i'm doing anymore, im not sorry, kind of fluff, lex has totally lost his mind, not really - Freeform, slow burn(ish?), this is really bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-01-08 15:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 40,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12256965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptemberCrypt/pseuds/SeptemberCrypt
Summary: What if things had gone a little differently in the tunnels? Clark had no idea that one kiss would turn his whole life upside down, and Lex had no idea he would fall apart.(Spoilers up to mid-s6)





	1. Sins of the Father

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goneandbackagain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goneandbackagain/gifts).



> This started as a three-page mini fic that I wrote when the internet was out in the middle of the night and I had nothing better to do so I thought "Hey what if Clark and Lex were friends again and they loved each other?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as a three-page mini fic that I wrote when the internet was out in the middle of the night and I had nothing better to do so I thought "Hey what if Clark and Lex were friends again and they loved each other?"

**Part One**

 

Lex. Why is it that Clark is _always_ expected to save Lex? And after everything that man has done…he _deserves_ to die down here. A cold grave for a cold man. Lex knows that Clark still loves Lana, that’s the only reason he married her. Clark is sure of it. He just can’t let go of his stupid obsession, can he? He may have given Clark all the information he had on him, he may have stopped researching and _spying_ on him, but that was when they were still friends. When he still cared about Clark and what he thought of him.

How could he do this to Lana? Clark broke out into a jog, hoping he was going in the right direction, if he wasn’t, they were both screwed. Lana and Lex were _friends_. Clark doesn’t doubt that Lex at least cares for Lana. Or cared. How could he manipulate her like that? He did _not_ have to drag her into his and Clark’s temper tantrum. If Clark didn’t have any morals, he would have killed Lex himself by now. But he’s not the one who decides who lives and who dies. He’s not God. If Clark finds him, if they get out of here…There’s a loud _bang_ , and everything goes black.

Clark comes to in total darkness. He tries to move, only to find himself buried under a gigantic pile of rubble. He pushes rocks away from his body, crying out in pain when he bumps into a piece of Kryptonite. This was going to complicate things. He writhes around, trying to free himself. When he finally tumbles out of the pile, his legs give out, and he drops to the ground. He hopes Lex is okay…

He stumbles into a sort of room, almost afraid he’s too late when he sees Lex laying on the ground, buried under rubble. He calls out his former friend’s name, feeling relief when Lex struggles, trying to stand. Clark hurries over, gripping his arm and helping him to his feet.

“Clark?” Lex’s hand goes up to cradle his injured head, probably feeling for the gaping wound on it. “What…what are you doing here?”

“Your dad sent me.” He thinks he sees something flash over Lex’s face, but it’s gone before he can be sure. At first, he was angry at Lionel for asking Clark to rescue Lex, he _knows_ how Clark feels about him. But Lex is his son. No matter how dodgy their past is.  

“He’s alive?” Clark nods, looking around the room. How were they going to get out of this?

“And you got through when nobody else could?” Clark pauses a moment, looking at his former friend. Again with the questions and the accusing. Clark just wants to get out of here _alive_ , there isn’t time to start an argument.

“Nobody else has tried, Lex.” He can see Lex’s anger turn into panic. Though he would never admit it, Clark could tell Lex is scared. Clark is too. “The police called off the rescue team when they found out the place was rigged with explosives.” Debris falls from the ceiling, almost startling him.  

“The entire tunnel system is scheduled to detonate in fourteen minutes.” Lex stumbles over to the pipe with a sort of bomb strapped to it, ticking away. He looks down at his watch worriedly.

“Is there a way to deactivate it?” Clark nears Lex, looking over his shoulder. He can feel the heat radiating off the other man. He tries not to pay too much attention to it but…he’s so _cold_. Clark isn’t used to being cold.

“If you’re trained in plastic explosives, be my guest.” Lex says a little bitterly, pushing past Clark. But Clark doesn’t move. He can’t help but wonder if they’re _ever_ going to get out. The place is filled with Kryptonite, so using his powers is a no-go. There’s…not much else he can do. Without his powers, they’re going to have to find a way out on their own. In under fourteen minutes. Clark always feels a little useless without his powers, he can’t _save_ anyone.

“C’mon.” Lex stops at the broken doorway, looking back and pausing for a moment. “Clark.” Lex is staring at his left hand intently. Clark follows his gaze, finding blood dripping from his fingertips. For I brief moment, when he follows the trail up his arm to find a sharp rock sticking out of his left bicep, he feels panic. The explosion must have done more damage than he thought, he didn’t even feel it…

Lex comes back, turning Clark around harshly, and grabbing the rock.

“You’re the last person I expected to be pulling _shrapnel_ out of.” Lex sneers. He yanks it free, turning it over in his hand. “I saw what happened when I stabbed you with that chisel, Clark.” He chucks the rock across the room, turning back to Clark with fire in his eyes. Clark winces, he had hoped Lex forgot that. It wasn’t Clark’s best day, having been infected with red Kryptonite and all. He had basically kidnapped Lana. “It was like it hit solid rock.” He pushes past him again, angry.

“I don’t know why I needed so badly to believe that you were more than human.” Clark scoffs, looking away.

“Nothing’s ever good enough for you, Lex.” All Lex does is push push _push_ until he gets what he wants.

“Yeah, well the _truth_ would have been!” He tears a piece of cloth hanging from between a pile of rocks, wrapping it around Clark’s wounded arm. “You may be flesh and blood, but you’ve been hiding secrets from me since we met.” Lex was right. Clark knows that much. Clark lied and lied and lied. And maybe, maybe there was a time he could have trusted Lex, but that time has long since passed. “You never trusted me.” He thinks he hears a break in Lex’s voice, but if he did, it was covered up when he yanked the makeshift bandage into a knot.

“Would it have mattered?” He glared at Lex. “What are you really doing down here anyway, Lex?” He shifted closer, looking into his eyes. “Trying to find new ways to exploit the people with different abilities than you?” Lex’s jaw clenched.

He doesn’t answer, probably because he can’t come up with a good enough lie. Clark may have lied to Lex, but he wasn’t the only one. They both lied and that’s why their friendship crumbled.

“There’s no gray area with you, is there? It’s either all good or all evil. Did you even try to see my humanity before you decided that I had none?” Lex sounds hurt, his voice thick.

“I did, Lex. And look where we are.” Softer this time, he’s tired of yelling. Day after day, he told himself that Lex was a good person, that he was changing. After _everyone_ said he was wrong, that he should give up on him, Clark didn’t because he believed in his friend. And here they are, practically standing in their graves. If they don’t get out soon…they’re dead.

Clark pushes his way out of the doorway, feeling Lex following close behind. All they ever do anymore is fight. They can’t spend five minutes in the same room before they start yelling at each other. Lex _had_ to be experimenting on meteor freaks. Clark just knows it. What else could he have been doing down here? What happened to Lex? It was like all his morals were suddenly shot to the sky.  

They stumble their way over the clump of rocks that fell on Clark during the explosion. Clark pauses, not wanting to get too Close to the Kryptonite, he’s hurt enough. Lex brushes past him, grabbing rocks and tossing them out of the way. It doesn’t look easy, and Clark wishes he could help, but he _can’t_. It _hurts_. It seems like Lex has been pawing at those rocks for hours before he finally breaks through. He cautiously shimmies his way through the narrow opening and out the other side.  

 “Clark.” He motions for Clark to come through, but Clark can feel the Kryptonite radiating off the rocks. If here were to go through, it would cause him excruciating pain, and he might not be strong enough to make it all the way across.

“Clark.” A little louder this time, maybe a bit of worry in his tone. Why isn’t he leaving? If he hates Clark as much as he claims, he wouldn’t bother helping him. Clark shakes his head in confusion, edging a bit closer to the hole Lex dug. It’s painful, and he knows that if he stays down here for long, it’s going to be bad. Too much exposure could kill him.

When he’s close enough to the exit, he feels Lex pull on his arm, trying to help him out. He groans in pain as he feels the Kryptonite scrape across his skin, opening new wounds. He’s surprised when Lex catches him before he falls, struggling to support his entire body weight. He pulls away from Lex, stumbling. His legs feel like jelly, his head is spinning, and every cut, scrape, and bruise on his body are _screaming_ in agony. They make their way further into the tunnels, knowing that there really isn’t much time, stumbling over one another and holding on for dear life. If they die down here, the last things they’ll see and hear is each other. And Clark doesn’t think he minds all that much.

“Lex,” He calls, breathless. “these ceilings aren’t going to hold out much longer.”

“We have to go back.” He hears Lex voice behind him, sounding panicked.

“We don’t have time for that.” Clark leans against a wall for support, sliding down and clutching his injured arm, a few feet away from a closed metal fence. “Something tells me no one else knows about these tunnels.” They’re going to die down here. Clark is almost sure of it. He’ll never see Lana again…

“By no one you mean Lana.” Lex spits out. He looks down at Clark. “I’m sorry, but I try not to bore her with my work.”

“You mean you don’t trust her?” Lex would never reveal to Lana the sick things he does. If he did, she might leave him. And that’s the last thing Lex wants. If she leaves, then she might go back to Clark, and Lex will do anything to keep her from Clark. Even marry her.

“I know this may be hard for you to believe, but Lana’s the first person in my life I actually do trust.”

“Then why’d you do it, Lex?” Lex pauses, taking a step closer.

“Do what?” He has to know what Clark’s talking about. He _has_ to.

“Why’d you force her to marry you?” Lex just looks at him, seemingly confused. He _has_ to know. He has to remember whatever it is he did to her. “I _saw_ Lana the day of the wedding. She was gonna leave you.” They just look at each other, Clark hating the pain he sees in Lex’s eyes. “What’d you do to her?”

“I don’t know.” Clark pushes himself up, not leaving the safety of the wall. “I didn’t…I didn’t expect her to show.” Clark could feel his brows furrowing as Lex neared him. “I never meant for it to go this far.”

“What’d you do to her?” Clark let his voice raise, he _knows_ that Lex did something. Lex is getting angry, glaring at Clark with daggers in his eyes.

“I didn’t do _shit_ to her!”

“Then why would she marry you?” He’s almost sure he heard Lex _growl_ at that.

“This was never about Lana!” Lex exclaims, shoving at Clark’s shoulders and slamming him into the wall, ignoring his cry of pain.  

“No, this was about your stupid obsession with me.” Clark snaps back, looking his ex-friend in the eye. He almost loses his composure when he sees the emotion in Lex’s gaze.

“I never meant for it to go this far.” He repeats. “I thought that by now, you’d have realized why I started dating her in the first place.”

“You started dating her because you wanted me to hurt. Because you’re _obsessed_ with me, with what I can do.” Lex didn’t answer. He just looks at Clark, loosening his grip on his shoulders but not moving away. They’re so close, inches apart. Clark can see every shade of blue in Lex’s eyes, he’s never noticed how pretty they were before now.  

“I remember Bell Reve, you know.” Lex says quietly, almost a whisper. He’s changing the subject _now_? “Not clearly, it’s all fragmented and a little fuzzy. But I remember.” Clark feels Lex’s breath on his lips. “I remember you standing by me, when nobody else would. I remember you pushing me out of the way of a car and taking the hit yourself, coming out unscathed. I remember _begging_ you to help me, and when you did, it was too late.” Clark could see tears in his eyes. Reliving the guilt he felt when he found out Lex had finished shock therapy. Praying that Lex would wake up…that he would remember. “You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a friend.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

“I know.” Lex paused. He shifts his gaze away from Clark’s, looking down at the ground instead. “I started going out with Lana because I knew you’d get jealous. I wanted you to see that you don’t love her anymore, that you aren’t jealous of _her_.” He moves his eyes back to Clark’s. “I thought that you would never leave. Never give up on me. But you did. And I _missed_ you.”

“You left too.”

“I know.” Clark brings a hand up to Lex’s face, wiping the blood away with his thumb. He has a gash on his forehead, it might need stitches. He wonders if it hurts. They’re close, really close. Lex still has Clark pinned to the wall, but it’s not forceful anymore. He has a hand at the back of Clark’s head, brushing his fingers through his hair. Clark leans into the touch, Lex is so warm and everything else is so cold…

Lex leans forward, just a little bit, brushing their lips together for a moment. It sends sparks through Clark’s body, he shifts his hand so it’s cradling the back of Lex’s head, before deepening the kiss. Tilting his head and letting his lips move against Lex’s. They’re so soft, not any different from a girl’s. Of course, he doesn’t really have anything to compare it to, he’s never kissed a guy before. He feels Lex sigh into his mouth, and he tightens his grip on Lex’s back. The longer they kiss, the more _right_ it feels. Like this is how it was supposed to be.  

He doesn’t ever want it to stop. He feels Lex tug on the collar of Clark’s shirt, opening his mouth, letting him in. _Tasting_ him. His moth is hot and wet and _perfect_. Too soon, Lex is pulling away, an almost awestruck expression on his face. He looks beautiful like this, lips red and shiny, uneven breathing. Clark brushes his knuckles against Lex’s cheek, his heart hammering in his chest.

Lex pushes himself away, suddenly, turning and grabbing onto the metal gate, but unable to open it. It’s locked. Clark sighs, sliding back down to the dusty gray floor. He doesn’t want to die here, he doesn’t want _Lex_ to die here. But he doesn’t see a way out…they’re running out of time. He looks up to the ceiling, seeing cracks spreading and expanding, he feels too weak to move as it crumbles on top of him, rocks pilling and blocking his vision.  

 “Clark?” Lex sounds panicky and scared, a rare thing. Is he scared for _Clark_? Clark can feel him lifting the smaller rocks away, clearing the ones around his head. Only, there’s a very large clump of rock and pipe on his chest, pinning him down, and neither of them can lift it. Clark tries not to panic, they can get out of this, right? They have to.

“Lex…” Lex slowly stands, looking down at Clark like he’s conflicted. Clark sees him shift his gaze back over to the gate, bent and broken from the collapse. A way out. He looks back at Clark again, right into his eyes, and Clark has no idea what he’s thinking. Is he…Lex takes a step towards the gate. Is he going to leave him? “Lex!” He calls. Lex keeps walking, through the crumbled gate. He can’t be leaving. “Don’t…” Clark coughs, choking on the dust. “Don’t leave me, please.” Lex looks back at him, face expressionless, for several moments before disappearing. Walking away and leaving.

“Lex!” He calls out again, frantically trying to push the rock off his chest, he doesn’t want to here, alone. Lex couldn’t have _left_ him. He wouldn’t. He raises his free hand to touch his lips. Closing his eyes and remembering that kiss…it’s not long now. Lex probably realized that his chances at survival were much higher if he didn’t take the time to try and save Clark. The rock is crushing his chest, making it hard for him to breathe. His body weak from the Kryptonite. He has two minutes at the most. Not much time. He would have preferred a much longer life. He selfishly wishes Lex was here, if only so he doesn’t have to die alone.

He keeps pushing on the rock, keeps trying to get free. But it’s hard. He can barely breathe now, his vision going spotty at the edges. Even his human-strength is failing him. He might just pass out before the bomb even goes off. Maybe that would be better. Because if he keeps thinking about Lex he might cry. So he thinks of his mother, his father, his friends, Lex. Always Lex. At least Lex will get to live. Maybe he can learn to love Lana, for real, make her happy. Maybe after this he could try to be a better man, the one Clark always thought he could be.

“Clark--shit.” There’s the sound of something metal hitting stone and Clark forces his eyes open. Lex. He came back. He almost feels stupid to think that Lex would leave him but then he remembers that Lex _never actually said_ he wasn’t leaving. He was probably contemplating it. That pisses Clark off a bit but he decides to just let it go and help Lex get this damned rock off. He seems to have found a very large metal pipe somewhere and is using in to try and lift the rock. When it’s far enough away from his body, Clark wriggles out from underneath and he can _breathe_ again. Lex doesn’t give him much time because he’s instantly hauled to his feet and being dragged through the gate.

Not much time, they can feel it. They stop right at an opening. Two ladders, facing each other, leading up and into the light. Almost like heaven. Maybe they’re already dead. Clark grabs hold of the cool metal and pulls himself up, step by step, no matter how badly his muscles are protesting. They get about halfway there when he sees Lex trip and start to fall. Almost afraid he won’t catch him without super speed, he lets go and grabs on to Lex with one of his hands. It’s hard. He’s terrified that he’s going to _drop_ Lex for a moment and tries to hold on even tighter. He feels Lex slipping. He can’t let him die. He pulls him up, muscles straining, threatening to rip apart, and lifts Lex until he can get a hold of the ladder again. There’s no time for relief.

They almost don’t make it. One second later and they’d have been burned alive. Clark lies there, looking up to the sun, feeling its light work into his skin and bones, feeling it _heal_ him. Neat. He hears car doors slamming and people yelling, so he supposes it’s time for him to get up. Begrudgingly, he stands, relieved to feel his powers again, knowing he can use them. Knowing he can protect.

He wasn’t expecting Lana to be there when he looked up, meeting her brown eyes. She doesn’t say anything. They just look at each other and he thinks back to what Lex said. _‘I wanted you to see that you don’t love her anymore, that you aren’t jealous of **her**.’ _ He thinks back to the _kiss_. And…Lex is right. His heart doesn’t speed up and feel like it’s trying to beat its way out of his chest anymore. Not for a while now. Maybe not since junior year started. He wasn’t in love with Lana. He loved her, but he wasn’t _in_ love with her. She was his friend, and he confused that, thinking it was still her that he wanted. Because she was familiar and the other option was terrifying. _Lex_.

A small, soft hand reaches up to gingerly touch the bandage on his arm, concern gracing her features. He offers her a small, sad smile before she turns away from him and into the arms of her husband. _Husband_. He feels Lex’s eyes boring into the side of his face and he dares to turn his head and meet them. Blue and sad. Lex rarely lets so much emotion show out in public. Clark can’t take it so he turns away, brushing past a worried Chloe and out of sight so he can run home. It’s been a long day and he’s covered in blood and dirt and the smell of _Lex._

 

__________

 

He knows that everyone is pissed at him. He refuses to talk to anyone. Not his mom, not Chloe. He wants to see Lex, see if he’s okay. But he has a _wife_ for that, doesn’t he? He didn’t have the _right_ to marry Lana. He marries the girl Clark thought he was in love with, then, he has the _audacity_ to _kiss_ him. He can still feel Lex’s lips. Warm and perfect against his. Clark is bitter about it, about the whole situation. He may not be in love with Lana, but he still _cares_ about her well-being. And Lex is _not_ good for her well-being.

And what was he doing in those tunnels? It can’t be something legal. It _looks_ like he was planning to build a water purification system, by the plans that Chloe had left him, but something just seems _wrong_. Apparently, a woman named Jodi Keenan was under the delusion that Lex was experimenting on her husband, who seemingly died in a military accident.

Clark sighs, stepping away from the barn window. Lex is doing something and Clark knows that it isn’t good. Walking down the loft steps, then speeding to the mansion, Clark decides to just watch him for a while, see if he’s doing anything. Clark knows that it isn’t good to keep thinking about the kiss, but he can’t help it. What did it mean? Was it years of closeted emotion pouring out, or was it just that Lex wanted to be close to someone before he died?

And then there’s Lana. Chloe told him that Lana was going to let Lex die, that she had the plans to the tunnels and she only changed her mind when she heard that Clark was down there too. That doesn’t really give a ‘happy marriage’ impression. Stopping a few yards away and hiding behind a tree, Clark looks up to the mansion. He always thought it was beautiful, but couldn’t help but wonder what a _castle_ would be doing in Smallville. Lex said that he never meant for him and Lana to go that far, that he didn’t do anything to her, so, if he’s telling the truth for once, who did? Lionel. That crazy _bastard_. What could he have said to her that would make her marry a man she doesn’t love? And _why_?

Using his x-ray vision, he sees Lex and Lana’s skeletons. Lex facing away from her and Lana holding a case of some sort. After Lana puts it down and heads over to the bathroom, he sees Lex walk to his office and pour himself a drink. He really shouldn’t drink so much, it’s not good for him, it could get worse. Clark contemplates going up there and saying just that, but he’s not really welcome in the mansion anymore. He misses the days where he could just walk up there and Lex would drop whatever he was doing to talk to Clark. Like he was the center of the universe. He watches as Lex decides to chuck his glass at the fireplace, then pick up his phone.

It seems as though Lex is getting ready to go out. Where could he be going at this time of night? Clark watches curiously as Lex pulls out of his driveway, heading down the road fast, Clark not far behind. He follows Lex all the way to Reeves Dam, where all the tunnels led. Clark knows that it’s a terrible idea to just walk up to Lex’s car and knock on the window, but he does it anyways, wanting an answer and having regrets the moment Lex steps out.

“Do you always stalk me when I leave the mansion, or is this a one-time thing?” Lex doesn’t seem angry which is…good. He actually seems a bit amused. Lex leans against the car door, removing his driving gloves and raising an eyebrow at Clark. He looks good like that, pale skin and dark clothes in the moonlight. It’s quite silent here, just the distant sound of running water. So silent that Clark is positive Lex can hear his heart beating frantically. They stand there for a moment, too close and eyes locked on one another in a not-so-awkward silence before Clark remembers why he’s here.

“Lex, what are you doing out here?” He doesn’t answer right away, which means he’s either going to lie, or is trying to find a way to word whatever he’s doing so it doesn’t sound too bad. Clark assumes it’s the latter, not much Lex can do to stop him from finding out now. He honestly hopes it isn’t something Lex could get arrested for, not bothering to ask himself why he doesn’t wish a _Luthor_ to be locked away in a jail cell. It might have something to do with the kiss, but he can’t be sure.

“Do you believe in aliens, Clark?” Lex finally asks, making Clark’s eyes widen and his heart stutter. Lex can’t possibly _know_ , can he? No. No, he’s talking about Zod, about the ship he found. He doesn’t know anything about Clark. If he did, Clark’s new home would be some cell in a lab. The lab that’s probably under their feet. _Oh_. That…makes sense.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Clark asks, subconsciously taking a step closer.

“I do. They came here once, and I’ll bet they’ll come again. They _possessed_ me, killed people. We need to be _ready_ , Clark. What if, next time, they win? They take over our world and destroy it?” Clark can see where he’s coming from, he really can, but that doesn’t mean that whatever he’s doing is morally right. But Lex has a point. What if next time, Clark isn’t able to stop them? What then? Just because Clark doesn’t want to rule the world, doesn’t mean that other Kryptonians will feel the same way. That’s how Zod felt. Clark knows that he’s not as strong as he could be yet, he could be easily overpowered by just a few of his own people.

“We do need to be ready.” Clark agrees, looking over his shoulder at the structure behind him. “But you never said _what_ you were doing.” He can see Lex hesitate, which means that it’s not something Clark would like, before closing off, taking a defensive stance.

“Nothing that concerns you.” Lex steps around Clark, who was standing _way_ too close for it to be appropriate. He watches as Lex unlocks the door, steps inside, and close it behind him, not looking back at Clark once. This frustrates him, and he considers breaking through the doors and physically shaking the truth out of Lex, but that’s really not a good idea. He, instead, decides to put a reasonably sized fist-shaped dent in the side of Lex’s car. He knows that it’s immature, but it makes him feel a little better.

He has time to think on the way home, so he thinks about Lex. Not really by choice, he just sort of snakes his way into Clark’s mind. He has good intentions, Clark thinks, he says he’s doing it for the good of the world, to protect it from Clark’s race. What would he do if he found out about Clark? Cut him open to see how he works? To get information on the body of the enemy? There had been a time when Clark could trust that, if Lex knew his secret, he would _never_ hurt him like that. Now, he’s not so sure. Lex fell down a hole and Clark’s afraid he won’t be able to get him out of it. Clark feels responsible for what Lex has turned into. He took advantage of his friend and it might have pushed him over the edge. If not, it certainly helped.

He misses Lex. Misses their friendship. Lex remembers Bell Reeve. He knows that Clark has powers, but he doesn’t know that he’s from another planet. He slows down when he reaches his own front porch. Martha is going to be mad, he was gone for a while. He’s old enough to go where he wants without telling his parents, but she still worries if he’s away for a long time. He walks through the door and heads straight up the stairs, ignoring his mom’s exasperated calls. He’ll deal with her tomorrow, it’s been a long day and he just wants to _sleep_.

 

__________

 

The next day is fairly boring, and he’s pretty sure his mother is going to kill him when he starts talking again. It’s not that he wants to ignore her, Clark just needs time to think. He knows that he’s being _insanely_ rude, but he might just snap if anyone tries to talk to him. Not Lex-Luthor-snap, but maybe yell at someone. So he wastes away the hours by doing an inhumane number of chores.

He’s a little calmer around noon, so he decides his mother deserves an explanation. The smell of pie hits him the second he opens the front door. There’s nothing like Mom’s pie.

“Mom?” Clark kicks off his shoes and hangs his coat, ready to apologize. His mom looks tired, a little more so than usual and he feels bad. “Hey.” He walks over, giving her a kiss on the cheek before sitting down at the counter. He knows he’s in for it when she turns to him with her arms crossed.

“Clark Kent, what the _hell_ happened yesterday?” Clark feels guilty for not talking to her about it, he knows just how much she worries but he needed some time before he could talk. He looks up, wondering if he should tell her about the kiss, then decides against it. Some things your mom is better off not knowing about.

“I’m sorry,” she raises an eyebrow. “I just needed time to think, I know I shouldn’t have ignored you.” He really is sorry, closing his eyes and running a hand through his hair, he realizes just how tired he still is.

“You know that if something’s bothering you, you can always come to me, Clark.” She sounds sincere, like she’s not mad at him anymore. Maybe she isn’t, Martha’s always been forgiving, or at least understanding. She can tell that something is bothering him and she just wants to help.

“It’s just…” he starts, calculating how to word it, “when we were down there, me and Lex, when he saved me, for the first time in a while, I saw someone I thought I lost. My _friend_.” He looks back into her eyes, understanding. “Do you think I gave up on him too soon? That if I had stayed by his side a little longer, he might not have become what he has?”  He knows that his mom is going to say that it isn’t his fault before she does, in her eyes, he can’t do wrong.

“Clark, no matter what, Lex is still his own man. His decisions are his own, not yours. You need to let go of the past, honey,” She puts a hand on his shoulder, warm and comforting. Nothing like a mother’s touch. “let go of whatever relationship you had before and see Lex as he is now. He’s not the same man he was when he was your friend.” Clark knows that she is completely right, but it’s harder to let go than she makes it out to be. Hard to let go of so many years of friendship, no matter how dysfunctional. Harder to forget the lingering looks, the promises, the embraces. The kiss. It’s much easier said than done and Clark doesn’t know if he’s ever going to be able to completely let go of Lex.

“Why do you stand by Lionel?” He finally asks. “After everything, he’s no better than Lex.” She ponders this for a moment, squeezing his shoulder.

“People can’t change who they are, Clark. I don’t trust Lex, and I certainly don’t trust Lionel, but Lionel knows about you and that’s a dangerous thing. Something we need to keep an eye on.” Clark nods, getting up and grabbing a plate for himself. Mom’s apple pie.

“I know, thanks Mom.” He cuts himself a piece, setting it on the counter and turning back to Martha. “And sorry again, for yesterday and this morning.” She’s right, Lex isn’t trustworthy.

 

__________

 

 

He knows he’s being a wimp, but he _really_ doesn’t want to answer the phone. This is the _fourth_ time Lex has called and he’s got to be getting pissed. Clark knows that their relationship is being held together by a string at this point and ignoring Lex is not helping. What if he wants to talk about the kiss? Because Clark doesn’t, and not answering the phone is the best way to ensure that that doesn’t happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t know how to feel about it.

Lex _kissed_ him. And he kissed back. And Clark doesn’t like thinking about these feelings. Lana called too, earlier in the evening. It was awkward but nice to hear her voice. She was just making sure he was okay, checking up on him. They both avoided the subject of Lex and had a somewhat decent conversation. Clark guessed that Lex wasn’t around when she called. She might not have if he was.

When ten minutes go by and Lex hasn’t called again, Clark thinks he finally won and settles back down into his bed to go to sleep. But he knows that he’s screwed when he hears a knock at the door. Surprisingly, the Kents don’t get many visitors at eleven pm. He knows it’s Lex and Clark is terrified to open the door, though he does it anyway. If he didn’t he’s pretty sure Lex would just walk in and up to Clark’s room.

“I called.”

“I know.”

“I was worried.”

“I was busy.” Cold and awkward conversation. Like the tunnels never happened. But they did. He remembers the raw emotion in Lex’s voice, in his own. They yelled at each other but they were honest for once and he _misses_ it. He misses the feel of Lex’s body against his, holding him close. And they’re standing so close now. If he leans forward just a little bit…

“Busy doing what, Clark? Lying to the people you claim to love?” And Lex is pissed. He knew Lex would be pissed. Why didn’t he pick up the phone again?

“I only lie to protect them.” Admitting that small fact, no point in denying that he has secrets. He crosses his arms over his chest in defense, feeling small compared to Lex, despite his physical size.

“Yeah and that always works out so well.” He spits out, bitterness in his voice. Lex leans forward, mouth brushing over Clark’s ear. “Eventually, everyone is going to leave you.” The words hurt, they hurt a lot. Clark always hated the way Lex could dig around in his head, finding his weak points, knowing what words sting most. It’s almost a talent. Lex’s ability to read people, get under their skin, manipulate them into doing something they don’t want. “Just let me in, let _me_ be there for you.” Lex is looking up at him, hopeful. A complete change in tone.

And he remembers what his mother said, not to trust Lex. What they had before is gone, Lex might be trying to _use_ him. Ask for his trust and then abuse it. Because that’s what Lex does now, he abuses trust to get what he wants, no matter the cost.

“Goodbye, Lex.” He steps back and closes the door, hoping he made the right choice.

“Clark!” He hears Lex bang a fist against the door, intent to cause some sort of damage. If he wasn’t pissed before, he’s definitely was mad now. It’s better to steer clear of Lex, don’t get involved. _You can’t trust him, he’s just like his father._ Clark hears his own father’s voice. _Never trust a Luthor_.

 

__________

 

It’s been a few days since Lex stopped by, but he hasn’t stopped calling. Each voicemail is angrier than the last. Clark stopped listening to them. It hurt to hear his former friend so drunk and angry. Clark knew he drank a little more than recommended even when they were friends, but now it’s like Lex is always a bit drunk.

He almost ignores his phone the next time it rings, thinking it’s just Lex again, but he’s surprised when he looks at the screen and see’s Lana’s name.

“Clark?” She sounds upset, voice a little hoarse, like she’s been yelling or crying.

“Lana? Is everything okay?” He asks, concerned.

“Yeah I…can you come over? Lex…Lex isn’t here.” _I know, he never is_. He pauses for a moment, wondering what this could be about.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just, I’m a little lonely and could really use the company.” There’s something wrong. She’s been hiding something and it’s eating her up inside.

“Okay, I’ll um…I’ll be right over.” He’s not sure how else to answer as he ends the call. Lana sounds upset, and she waited until Lex was gone to ask someone to comfort her, so it was probably Lex’s fault. He can’t help feeling angry at him, he didn’t _need_ to drag Lana into this. He probably just wanted Clark to himself, he realizes. There was no way he could really get Clark’s attention if Lana was still out there looking for a new boyfriend. And Clark hates him for figuring that out before he did.

He quickly pulls on a fresh pair of pants, grabs his jacket, and speeds over. Lana is in Lex’s study, waiting for him, pacing. What’s happened to them? A few years ago, he and Lex would be sitting at the Talon, joking about Lana’s inability to remember orders. Chloe and Pete would be hanging out at the Torch, looking through The Wall of Weird, trying to make sense of the meteor freaks. Now look at them. Lana stuck in an unhappy marriage with Lex, Lex, turning into a major alcoholic megalomaniac, Pete, gone because he couldn’t deal with Clark’s secrets, and Chloe, almost too busy with Clark’s problems to focus on her own life, her own career. It all got fucked up somewhere down the road and Clark doesn’t know if or how he can fix it.

“Clark!” She stops pacing to pull Clark down for a tight hug, he gently returns the embrace, surprised at her instant affection. She’s so…small. So fragile. One squeeze and he can snap her spine in half. He’s always been afraid to touch her, humans are so breakable. That’s why he never dare touch her after he got his powers back.

“Lana, what’s wrong?” He pulled away a little bit, looking at her face, into her eyes. They’ve talked a few times the past few days, not much but Lex hasn’t really been around much lately. She always seems like there’s something she wants to tell him but is too scared to. She’s changed so much. He knows that after everything that’s happened to her, she’s not the same person. Maybe that’s why he stopped loving her.

“I just wanted to see how you were.” She’s lying and he knows it. Something’s wrong, something’s been wrong. And it has to do with Lex.

“Don’t hide, talk to me.” He keeps his voice soft, letting her know that she can trust him. She nods, looking around the room. They stay like that for several moments, just standing there in silence. Clark doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to have a conversation with her again without it being awkward.

“I…” She pauses, backing away a bit and letting her arms drop to her sides. “Clark, if I had known you were down there too, I would have sent help so much sooner.” She can’t quite meet his eyes, flicking her gaze away from his and staring at the door by his head. Is that what she’s freaking out about? They never really talked about that day so Clark assumed it was insignificant. “Lex has been starting to scare me.” Scare her? What did he _do_? He’s been drinking too much, drunks can be unpredictable, violent. He buries his anger for Lex for the moment, focusing on the woman in front of him.

“He hasn’t hurt you has he?” That came out a little sharper than he intended, but can’t find it in himself to really care. Lana never deserved to have this happen to her. If he had just let go sooner…

“No not…not like that.”

“Then how?”

“He…faked my pregnancy, Clark. There was never a baby.” Clark froze. “I haven’t told him that I know, haven’t told anybody.” That’s what Lana’s been hiding? The thing she’s too scared to talk about? How _could_ he? How could Lex completely disregard her feelings like that? He _knew_ that it would cause her pain when she had a ‘miscarriage’. How _could_ he? Clark was going to kill that man, throw him in jail, whatever it took to _get him out of their lives_. The monster that he’s becoming needs to be stopped.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” Lana looks genuinely distressed, she looks lost and Clark doesn’t know what to do. “He keeps saying that he doesn’t, wouldn’t, keep secrets from me, but all he does is lie!” Sounds like Lex. Sounds like Clark. She’s pacing again and Clark let’s all his anger and hate for Lex boil underneath the surface, the last thing Lana needs is a Clark who can’t control his temper.

“I just, I needed to tell someone what he’s done. I thought I loved him but he’s not who I thought he was.” He could see tears forming in her eyes now, Lex abused her trust, her _love_. “He’s always out now, always drinking. I keep thinking that one of these days he’s going to hit me, but he doesn’t. He hits everything else, but he doesn’t hit me.”

“It’ll be okay, Lana.” He says, hopefully convincingly, and looks down at her again. Wide eyed and scared, poor Lana. Lex will pay for what he’s done. Clark doesn’t know what to do, if he should confront Lex or just grab Lana and have them make a run for it. He holds her hands in his, hoping to comfort her. This wasn’t fair to her, none of this was.

“Clark, I…” he feels her lean up, quickly, and press their mouths together before he can pull away, to say no, remembering the kiss she gave him the day of her wedding. He can’t lead her on like this anymore, it would only hurt her even _more._ He almost forgot how soft her lips are, soft like Lex’s. Hers are unmarked though, while he has that scar on his upper lip, just begging for Clark to run his tongue across.

“Lana--“ He tries to protest, but she doesn’t stop, holding him in place, she deepens the kiss. It would be easy to force her to stop, with his strength, but he doesn’t want to physically injure her. He’s still trying to gently pry her away, protesting against her hands and mouth, when he hears the door open. He knows who it is and _finally_ gets her to stop kissing him. He knows who it is behind him and he forgets the hate for a moment, he just kissed a married woman. He kissed a married _man_ earlier. They both cheated with him and all he can feel is guilt.

He turns around, looking at a very broken, and very lost man. Clark can _smell_ the drinks on him. He looks so sad like that. Clark didn’t realize just how _bad_ it was. Maybe he shouldn’t have walked away that night, he could have handled that night very differently. Maybe they would have both been better, happier, if he had.

“Lex…” A hand makes its way to Clark’s cheek, hard. It doesn’t hurt physically, but Lex just _backhanded_ him. And he knows that if he had been human, a bright red bruise would be forming. It’ll leave a mark on Lex’s hand for sure, though.

“How _dare_ you.” Clark knows that he should be scared when Lex doesn’t yell. Calm-angry Lex is irrational, he’s dangerous. And it doesn’t help that he’s drunk. “You know that you’re mine.” Possessive. A few shoves to his shoulder and he’s backed up against the wall. Lex can’t physically hurt him, but he has a way with words. Sometimes his words hurt more than his fists.

“You faked her _pregnancy_?” Smooth, Clark. Way to bring that up _now_.

“That’s none of your business.” Lex sneers, words slurring together a bit. “You don’t even love her.” He tears his gaze away from Clark, looking at Lana.

“None of my…Lex, how could you? You only did it to make me jealous, she has _feelings_.” And those feelings are going to hurt a lot more if she stays for this conversation. “I may not love her anymore, but I still care about her!” He’s tired of Lex being so selfish, tired of him thinking he can take whatever he wants just because he _can_. He stays against the wall while Lex rifles through his desk, hazardously looking for something.

“Oh, is that why I caught you locking lips?!” Clark doesn’t really process what Lex is doing until there’s a gun in his hand. He doesn’t really point it at either of them, but starts waving it around like it’s some sort of toy. Maybe to Lex, it is. Clark stands protectively in front of Lana, really hoping Lex doesn’t shoot.

“Lex, wait…think about this.” He didn’t want to force the gun out of Lex’s hand, that might give away too much. Maybe he can talk Lex into putting it down, make him realize that he doesn’t actually want to shoot his wife or ex-best friend. He knows that, even if neither of them get hurt, Lex would regret even trying when he sobered up. “Lex, you don’t want to hurt us.”

“Get out!” _Bang. Bang. Bang._ All hitting the door behind them, not really aiming for Clark and Lana. He raises the gun again when neither of them move. Has he gone _insane?_ Clark had never seen Lex like this before, and it’s terrifying him. “Get the _hell_ out of my house!” Clark nudges Lana, whispering a quiet “go” but not following. He needs to get that gun away from Lex first. He doesn’t trust that Lex won’t hurt himself, or someone else, with it and as angry as Clark is, he’s not about to let Lex shoot himself. Funny how he’s more concerned about Lex than whatever poor security guard might walk in the room.

Lex never really seemed suicidal, but sometimes people do crazy things when they’re drunk. Clark takes a step forward, putting a hand in front of him to show he means no harm. He doesn’t want to have to use his abilities, but if worse comes to wear, he will to save Lex’s life.

“Lex, hey, can you put that down for me? I promise I won’t hurt you.” He says, trying to sound as sincere as he can. He thanks whatever god is up there when Lex listens to him, not letting go of it, but pointing to towards the ground. Clark takes the last few steps to Lex and gently grabs his wrist, prying the gun from his fingers and flicking the safety back on. He sets it on the desk behind Lex, hoping he doesn’t try it grab it again. A similar position to how they were in the tunnels, when they kissed. Clark’s arms around his neck, foreheads almost touching, eyes closed.  He wipes the tears with his thumbs as they fall from Lex’s eyes, not used to seeing him cry.

“Why won’t you love me like you think you love her?” Lex asks, his voice barely audible. Clark chooses to ignore the question, not knowing how to answer it and rests his head on Lex’s shoulder, missing his friend more than ever right in that moment. He remembered the way Lex held on to him when he was rescued from that island Helen damned him to, held him like he lost his world and just found it again. He remembered when he held him after Bell Reve, he will never stop regretting not being able to save Lex then. And he remembered what it was like to have him in his arms like this, in the tunnels, after the kiss.

Lex pulls away from the embrace when security comes in, obviously having heard the gunshots and seen the girl running out of the mansion. They seem skeptical when Lex dismisses them, but obey anyway, leaving Lex and Clark alone again. Clark is unsure about what he should do. He doesn’t want to leave Lex alone, in fear of him hurting himself, but doesn’t want to leave him with someone else either, in fear of him hurting _them_. The best option would be for Clark to stay the rest of the night and he’s not quite sure how to feel about that.

“You should be getting home.” Lex says coldly, turning away from Clark in favor of examining the window behind his desk. Clark always loved the windows in the mansion.

“No.” He had made up his mind. Clark needs to stay, make sure Lex is alright.

“Your mother will be getting worried, it’s late.”

“I’m not leaving you alone.”

“I don’t need to be babysat, Clark. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.” His tone was bitter, obviously growing agitated.

“Yeah, you did a fantastic job of proving that tonight.” Clark crossed his arms, glaring at the back of Lex’s bald head. Lex would never admit to needing someone to take care of him, he thinks he needs to always be so strong and it’s tearing him apart.

“Go home, Clark.”

“No.” Firmer this time. Stepping up behind Lex, placing his hands on his waist. He let out a sigh when Lex relaxes to the touch, leaning into him.

“Why?”

“Because I care about you.”

“You left.”

“So did you.”  They were both the reason their friendship fell apart. Lex couldn’t blame just him. Clark may have lied, but so did Lex. “Don’t pin this all on me, Lex, you hurt me too.”

“I know.” They fell silent after that, looking out, into the night. It wasn’t one of the awkward silences they usually have to endure together, this was comfortable, warm. Just standing there, pressed close. It was late, past two, and the night sky was beautiful. Clark remembered all the times they just sat together, up in his barn loft, and watched the stars. He feels a pang deep in his chest when he looks at what Lex has now become. _“Our friendship is going to be the stuff of legends.”_ They were so lost now, where do they go from here? Practically enemies and still holding each other close.

“It’s late, Lex.” Clark finally broke the silence. Lex nodding and turning around to meet Clark’s eyes. Clark could see that the light he once had in them was slowly dimming. If he had stayed with Lex, he might have seen it sooner, or prevented it.

“Yeah.” His breath was warm on Clark’s lips, but it still smelled of alcohol, so Clark turned his head away. He let Lex hold on to his hand, twisting their fingers together, and lead him up the stairs, to the master bedroom. He opened his mouth to protest but Lex put a finger on his lips, shushing him.

“Just…stay with me? Nothing else.”

 

__________

 

 

Lex’s bed was warm, the sheets silky. You could tell it belonged to someone with a lot of money. When Clark first woke up in a strange bed, he was confused, until he noticed Lex’s presence. He felt a little guilty about sleeping in Lana’s place, but when he looks at Lex, he forgets to care. Lex is, for lack of a better word, beautiful in the soft glow of morning light. He looks so…at peace. All the worries of his life don’t matter when he sleeps. Clark knows that they’re a little close, almost nose to nose, an arm draped around Lex’s waist. But it feels right. And he has no idea what he’s going to tell his mom. Or Lana. ‘Yeah, sorry, but I slept in the same bed as your husband. The one who got drunk and shot at us last night, that one.’ Didn’t seem like the right thing to say.

What would Lex say when he woke up? Would he regret asking Clark to stay? Their friendship was practically nonexistent at this point and the smallest thing could completely sever it. He was drunk last night, he might not have really meant it. Lex was getting worse, slowly falling apart, losing it, and Clark didn’t know how to fix it. _‘You can’t save everyone, Clark.’_ What would his parents think about him in bed with Lex? About him kissing Lex? And wanting to do it again.

He untangled himself from Lex, being careful to not wake him, grabbed his shirt and coat, and left the room as quickly as he could. He felt bad about leaving Lex to wake up alone, but maybe Lex would want to forget that ever happened. Clark didn’t want to forget, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He was ashamed though, two men weren’t supposed to share the same bed.

All his life, Clark never questioned his sexuality. Not before now. The more time he spends with Lex, the less he resents him. The more he wants him. Maybe Clark can convince him to stop some of the illegal activities he’s doing. Show him morals again. What if they were all wrong about Lex? What if he could be trusted, if given the chance? What if he just needs some guidance? Clark misses being close to Lex. He misses it more than he’s willing to admit out loud.

Lex’s office was beautiful this early in the morning. The colors of the windows dancing on the floor. Lex spent almost all his time in this room, a whole mansion and he basically lives in his study. Clark once tried to voice his thoughts to Lex, that he worked too much, and Lex got annoyed. Clark knows it must be hard, trying to run a multi-billion dollar company, but Lex needs to rest or he’s going to lose his mind. If he hasn’t already.

“For a moment, I thought that most of last night was a dream.” He hears Lex come up behind him, not touching, but close. “And for a moment I hoped it was.” Clark turns around, looking into those eyes. Early in the morning and not hiding behind a mask. A warm hand on Lex’s cheek, too afraid to go further, to get closer.

“Thank you, Clark.” He whispered. It was a tender moment, Clark doesn’t want it to end. He’s afraid that the doubts about Lex will come back and mangle their relationship again. He makes a silent promise to himself to at least try, try to let Lex explain himself, try to forgive him.

“Yeah.” He whispered back. “I’m here.” Clark knew that eventually, he would have to explain this to his mother, to Chloe, to Lana. He doesn’t know what he was going to say, what he _could_ say. He knows that none of them would approve, they’d all be so disappointed in him. But if he left again, he’d only hurt Lex. He didn’t want to hurt Lex again. He had a feeling that Lana would be seeing about a divorce sometime soon. If she still wasn’t scared of whatever Lionel told her that got her to marry Lex. He was going to have a talk with Lionel, find out what happened that day. It have to have been him, who else would blackmail someone to marry Lex Luthor? Well, maybe a lot of people, but not many that have the power to actually succeed.

“Your mother is probably worried about you, you should…you should go.” Lex pulled away from him, sitting down at his desk and opening his computer casually. Clark knows what he’s doing, shutting off his emotions so he doesn’t somehow get hurt. It’s Lex’s defense mechanism.

“Yeah.” He said blandly, not really sure what else to do. Lex probably needed to get work done. He was always working, Lana said. “Yeah I…Lex…”

“You can come over later if you want. I doubt that if Lana comes back, she’ll be staying for long.”

“Are you going to be okay alone?”

“I’m not a child, Clark.”

“I know that.”

“Good.” Clark knows he isn’t going to be getting anything else out of Lex right now, so he leaves, wondering what in God’s name he was going to tell his mother.

 

Lex was right, she was worried by the time he got home. He felt bad that he hadn’t called, but he was glad he stayed the night. Who knows what Lex would have done if Clark left. He knew that Lana was going to want to talk to him soon, but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to talk about how can’t stop thinking about how _attractive_ Lex is. It made his head spin and he didn’t want to think about it. So he didn’t. He and Lex were friends again and that was it.

“Clark, are you okay?” He hated worrying his mother.

“Yeah mom, I’m fine.” She gives him a look. Red hair tied back, away from her face, the old apron she never washes.

“Lana came over last night.” Oh. “She said Lex pulled a gun on you?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“Oh I’m sure it is.” Ah. Sarcasm. “She thought he was going to kill you, you know?”

“Lex wouldn’t kill me.”

“He shot at you! The least you could have done was call me, so I didn’t think you were dead, or hurt.”

“I had to stay to make sure he was alright.”

“Make sure that _he_ was alright?” He didn’t expect her to understand, but he also didn’t expect her to be this angry. She has a right to be a little angry though, someone shot at her son, but she didn’t know the whole story and Clark wasn’t willing to tell it. Not yet anyway. To her, Lex is the Luthor son, child of Satan, the man who tried to kill Clark. But to Clark he was just Lex, angry, sad, and confused Lex.

“I’m okay Mom, I swear.”

“I know. But I think this just proves that you should stay away from him. He’s getting too dangerous, Clark”

“No.”

“No?” She looked upset that he just completely disregarded her order but Clark is old enough to make his own decisions, and he is not leaving Lex this time.

“No, he needs me. And I might need him too.” And that was all he was going to admit. He had felt different without Lex, it’s hard to lose your closest friend, watch them become a monster. She sighs in defeat, knowing that there’s no talking Clark out of this.

“Just…be careful, honey.” She didn’t approve, he could tell that much. But she would respect his decisions. To her, if Clark thought it was the right thing to do, who was she to stand in the way? Unfortunately, Clark doesn’t think Chloe and Lana will have the same mentality. They might even resent him for standing by Lex’s side. He could live with that, knowing that this is the right thing to do.

He kisses her forehead, letting her know that he still loves her, and heads up to his room in need of a change of clothes. Sleeping in jeans was not something he wanted to make a habit of. He had just taken off his pants when the door opened.

“Clark?” He trips, almost knocking over his dresser. Lana. Lana was here and he…was in his boxers.

“Lana!” He trips again, trying to pull his pants up, falling this time. “Lana what…uh, what are you doing here?” He stands up, awkwardly throwing on a long-sleeved shirt and brushing off nonexistent crumbs. Did she _knock_? He was mortified. It’s not like she hasn’t seen him naked before but…they were _together_ then. Did she think they were together now?

“I came by to see if you were home yet and your mom said…are you okay?” She takes a nervous step closer, twiddling her thumbs. “I was starting to think he’d done something to you.”

“Why does everyone just assume that?” They all started making Lex out to be the bad guy because he was a Luthor, so that’s what he became. After so many assumptions and accusations, one might start to think they really are capable of those things. “I stayed to help him.”

“Clark, he tried to kill us.” She was getting angry, which was reasonable, but she didn’t have to direct it to Clark.

“No, he threatened us. If he had tried to kill us we would be dead, Lana.” And he doesn’t doubt it. Lex may have been unstable last night, but if he truly wanted to shoot them he would have. Clark was more concerned about Lex himself.

“I can’t stay with him, Clark.”

“I know.”

“I only married him because Lionel said he’d kill you if I didn’t.” Clark figured as much, but it still made him see red when he heard it out loud.

“He was bluffing.”

“Was he, Clark?” She asks, clearly distressed about this. Lionel would never risk Clark getting killed, he was too important of an asset. Without Clark, Lionel would lose a considerable amount of power _and_ Martha Kent.

“Yes, he was.” She pondered that for a moment, before closing the distance between them in one easy stride and embraced him. It was a little too intimate after a few moment so he pulled back, wrapping his arms around himself instead. He tried to ignore the look of hurt on her face, but it was hard.

“Did you mean it?” Looking up at him with doe-eyes. She has a knack for looking far more innocent than she really is.

“Mean what?”

“That you don’t love me anymore.” Oh. Clark almost forgot that she was there for that part. He felt, not sympathy, but pity for her. She would never want pity, but he can’t help but feel it. Hearing the two men she cared about most say that neither loved her. Lex may have pulled her into this, but she did it willingly, despite the warnings. Lex never forced her to do anything, that was all on her. Clark still felt a little anger at Lex, but now he sees that Lana is at fault too. She always seems to get involved with doomed relationships.

“Yes, I meant it.” He sits down on his bed, tucking one leg under him. “I still love you as a friend, Lana, but I don’t _love_ you.” She seems more angry than hurt, Clark can live with that.

“So you lied to me all that time?!” She looks up at him with glassy eyes, she might never forgive him for this, but only time will tell.

“No, I lied to myself.”

“What about him? Do you love Lex?”

“No.” He says plainly, and truthfully. Clark can’t love Lex like that. He just can’t. They’re friends and that’s all they’ll ever be. Clark cares about Lex, he always has and always will, but he can’t _love_ him like that.

_‘Why won’t you love me like you think you love her?’_

“Because it seems like he loves you.” And she doesn’t say anymore, just a tender hand on his arm, and then she’s gone. Lex doesn’t love him, Lex can’t love him. After everything, the lies, the betrayal. It was _infatuation_ , not love. If he were to love someone, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Clark.

It was still fairly early in the morning, giving Clark enough time to finish his chores. It’s a nice day out, not a cloud in the sky. He steps out of the house, breathing in the air and soaking in the sunlight. Clark knows that, one day, he’s going to have to leave the farm. He loves it here, but it’s not what he wants to do with his life. He’s not sure what he wants to do, but he’ll figure it out.

 

___________

 

Clark had come over later that day, and they fought. Around lunchtime, he headed over the Reeves Dam, too curious for his own good. The door wasn’t hard to break through without making it obvious, and he was welcomed by florescent lights and damp, concrete hallways. He concentrated, using his x-ray vision to look for something suspicious. And when he found it, he wasn’t happy. Multiple labs, all empty, and a large room full of bodies, suspended in the air.

This was sick, how could Lex do this? When he reached the first lab, he discovered it was full of Kryptonite. There was a table too, obviously meant for human experimentation. Clark knows that it isn’t for him, but there’s still that fear nagging the back of his mind. If he tells Lex, or if Lex find out, would he bring Clark here? Or does he care too much to hurt him like that?

That’s the thing with Lex, you can never tell. You can never tell if he’d protect you with his life, or kill you to save himself. Lex was…beautiful. But he was also dangerous. There was a time when Clark could trust Lex to never hurt him, but he changed. He changed when Clark left him. Clark feels a wave of guilt wash over him, he never meant to hurt Lex, but he did.

He decided to go over, to calmly talk to Lex about this, and that’s when the fighting started. He honestly hadn’t meant for it to turn into a fight, but it had. At one point Lex started screaming at him, so he screamed back.

He pulled Lex back when he reached for _another_ glass of scotch, not wanting him to get drunk like the night before. He was angry but he wasn’t about to let Lex drink himself to his grave. He remembered the tiny promise he made to himself, to _try_. It was damn hard but he was going to do it. He had to try for Lex.

“I think you’ve had enough to drink today.”

“No, I haven’t. I can still think coherently.” He glares at Clark, unwavering.

“You _need_ to think straight.”

“What, so I can remember more of your accusations?”

“It’s not an accusation, Lex. I _saw_!” Lex stops, looking up at him suspiciously. He could see the gears turning in Lex’s head, see him trying to think how he can talk his way out of this.

“What I do in my free time is none of your business, Clark.”

“Maybe not, but it’s still _wrong_ , you’re still _hurting_ people!”

“Those people are criminals!”

“So you just kill them?” He saw Lex pause for a moment, looking up him in confusion.

“I haven’t killed anybody.”

“I saw the bodies, Lex, all of them.” Recognition flashes through his friends eyes, he gives a small nod.

“Those _bodies_ were never alive.”

“What?”

“They were _clones_. I was using different DNA to make clones. I never killed anyone.” Clones? That wasn’t possible. Was it?

“Why?”

“Because I can.” He leans against the edge of his desk, glancing at Clark. “Haven’t you ever just done something because you could? Because you wanted to see what would happen if you did? It’s a science experiment, Clark. Nobody got hurt.” Lex had always loved his experiments. But, he did admit to keeping the meteor freaks somewhere. Admit to experimenting on _them_.

“What about the meteor freaks? You hurt them.”

“The meteor freaks that I have are clinically insane. They need to be in custody.” Clark pauses, looking at his friend. His eyes told the truth, maybe not the whole truth, there will always be secrets hidden in there, but he was telling the truth. He feels a little guilty, always blaming Lex for things that aren’t as bad as they first seem. It didn’t make experimenting on people right, but it was somewhat forgivable.

“I’m sorry.” He dipped his head down, focusing on the floor.

“It’s alright, Clark, I’m used to it by now.” Clark feels the guilt like a knife wound in his stomach, Lex was used to it by now. The past few months the only thing Clark has come to mansion for is to blame Lex for something. Even when he and Lex were friends, he was told to _never_ trust a Luthor. So when they stopped being friends, he decided that everything was Lex’s fault, and he couldn’t feel guiltier about that.

**********

Lex knows that it’s just natural for Clark to blame him for everything, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He can tell that Clark is trying, that he wants to try. Last night was a blur for Lex, he remembers a gun, and pointing it at Lana and Clark (though he doubts that it would have hurt Clark, he’s still not sure.) and Lana running away. But Clark…stayed. He stayed and he held him all night.

Lana had stopped by earlier, a few hours before Clark, demanding a divorce. He was alright with that. He cares about her, and feels bad that he hurt her feelings, but now Clark sees that they weren’t meant to be. That’s why he was with her, so Clark would just _see_. There’s still a lot of work to do if he wants Clark to realize that he loves _Lex_ , but Lex has time. He just needs to play his cards right.

But first, he needs to take care of his father. Apparently, Lana only married Lex because his father threatened Clark’s life, and Lex can’t have that. He can’t let anyone hurt Clark, Clark is _his_. Several years ago, when that thought first popped up in his head, it scared Lex. But now he’s used to it. He doesn’t understand it, but he’s used to it. Clark is his, and the only one who is allowed to hurt him is Lex.

He would have liked for Clark to have stayed a bit longer after their fight, work it out a little more, but Clark was needed at the farm, and Lex needs to deal with his father. There are probably a few ways to deal with this, but Lex has already had a few too many drinks. His father needs to die. It’s the only sensible way for him to ensure Clark’s safety. He can take over Luthorcorp, protect him from a position of power while taking out a common enemy. Clark and his father have gotten a little to close lately, at first, he was hurt by it. By his dad treating Clark like his son, as if Lex didn’t exist. But after what Lana told him, he sees that Lionel is just using Clark for his own gain.

 He picks out his least favorite Mercedes from the garage, not trusting himself with one of his more expensive cars while under the influence of alcohol. It’s a three hour drive to Metropolis, but if he pushes it, he can make it in two. He was never known for following the rules of the road anyways. It doesn’t matter what lies that boy can come up with, Lex knows he hit him with his car that day.

If Lex is being honest with himself, he’s afraid. He afraid his father will live, and he’s afraid his father will die. If he dies, Lex is the heir to a very large, very expensive, and very important company. If he dies, Lex will need to pay off a lot of people to make sure that it’s ruled as a suicide. He can’t risk getting thrown in prison, he’d never get Clark if he was in prison. And if his father lives…he has the ability to hurt Clark, and he has the ability to hurt Lex. Lionel Luthor is too dangerous a man to just be roaming the streets. If he could, he’d get him thrown in jail again. But if he was able to get out of it once, who’s to say he can’t do it again? And when he got out, he’d be after Lex’s blood.

So no, he can’t put his father in prison. He can’t bribe him either. Anything his father wants, he already has. Except maybe Clark. But Lex would never give him Clark, not for the world. Honestly, he’ll be doing the world a favor, getting rid of Lionel. That man has done so much wrong, more so than Lex. Lex will never sink down to quite his level. His father is a sick man and Lex wishes that he’d died _years_ ago.

Maybe Lex could have been a better person if it weren’t for Lionel. Maybe he could have been a person Clark could truly love. If Daddy hadn’t beaten him and Mother hadn’t blamed him. But there’s no way to know. He is who he is. ‘Maybes’ and ‘what if’s’ will only hold him back now.

The ride to Metropolis was longer than he wished, it gave him too much time to think. Did he really want to kill his father? No, but he wants him dead. No one else has the balls to do it, so it needs to be Lex. He’s a danger to Clark, and that’s all the motivation he needs. Years ago, he promised to keep Clark safe, no matter what, and he’s going to hold himself to that promise. If he has to kill his own father to protect him, so be it. Even if Clark would disapprove.

He slams the door to his car shut, a little harder than necessary, he says there for a moment, in the cold garage air, before heading the elevator. He didn’t bring his own gun, which would be too suspicious, he knows exactly where his father keeps his though. Strapped to the underside of his desk. Lex can only pray that he gets there first. He’s not very fond of the thought of his father shooting him.

He always hated the smell of this building, too sterile, that would have to change once he’s in charge. A lot of things will change when he takes over.

He pushes past the security guard outside his father’s office, handing him a $100 bill, trusting him to stay out no matter what he hears. The problem with Lionel’s security is, none of them care about him. They’re only in it for the money. Because who would _want_ to protect Lionel? With enough money, he can get them to turn a blind eye to anything he does to his father. It gives him an advantage, really.

Lionel looks up from the papers on his desk when Lex walks in. Lex doesn’t make a habit of visiting his father when there’s no business to discuss, so he must be surprised.

“Lex. I didn’t know you were visiting today.” Lionel reached a hand up to scratch his beard. Lex never liked his beard. He can still feel it moving against his skin…Lex banished that thought from his head, trying not to visibly shudder. Lionel was sick.

“Neither did I. Glad to see you’re well. Hospitals are no fun, are they?” He steps closer, circling around until he’s planted behind Lionel’s chair, looking over his shoulder. “So tell me, _Dad_ , why you forced Lana to marry me?”

“Because you trusted her, and she was someone who could get close enough to spy on you.”

“Don’t you have corrupt security guards for that?” Lex knows his father paid off half of _his_ security guards. Lex isn’t stupid, he knew which ones to keep in the dark. Lana though…smart. Why suspect that your own wife is working for your father?

“We both know that Lana Lang was the best choice.” Lex nods, placing a hand on the desk. Right above the gun.

“I hear you threatened Clark’s life to blackmail her.”

“Mm. Yes. I was never actually going to hurt Clark, I just needed her close to you and exploiting her feelings for Clark was the way to do that.”

“You threatened to kill him.”

“I needed her close to you so I could _protect_ him. You know too much, Lex.” Bullshit. Lionel doesn’t care about Clark’s well-being, only his own. Lex _will not_ let Clark be used by him.

“So what is it that I _don’t_ know?”

“Things that are beyond you, son.” Lex chuckles, swiftly moving his hand and bringing the pistol to Lionel’s temple.

“You’re not protecting him, you’re protecting yourself.”

“You were never good at hiding your feelings from me, Lex. All that Clark-hate talk? I know you care just a little _too_ much about him.” Lionel laughs, seemingly unconcerned that his son has a gun to his head. Lionel doesn’t think he’d do it, does he? But Lex would, and Lex will. Lionel dies today. “You wouldn’t care so much if you knew the truth. Though that’s all you ever wanted, isn’t it? The truth. From me…from Clark.” He looks down at Lionel, his finger twitching on the trigger. “He was smart, you know. Not telling you. He knew that if he did, you’d never look at him the same again.”

“There have been dozens of meteor freaks in Smallville, what makes him any different?” Clark had to know that Lex doesn’t mind. Clark isn’t _dangerous_. He’d never hurt someone deliberately. Clark had to know Lex wouldn’t mind…Lionel laughs, hysterical.

“Because he isn’t a meteor freak.” Lex pulls the trigger. Wiping the handle with a cloth, placing the gun in his father’s hand and stepping away. He runs his hands along his head, wishing he had hair to pull. If anyone finds out, he could be done for. He just needs to stay calm. Stay calm, Lex. Everything will be okay. He paces around the office for minute, trying not to cry before opening the office door, handing the security guard $1,000 cash.

“He was like that when I arrived.” The guard nods, taking the cash, and thankfully not commenting on the shakiness in Lex’s voice. Good, good, Lex just hopes he won’t be a problem in the future. If need be, he could always stage a car accident.

 _You just killed your father_.

He takes out his phone and dials 911, trying to sound convincing as he tells his story of walking in and finding his father dead.

The police arrived soon after that. This was Lionel Luthor, after all. He played the part of a heartbroken son while his fears ate away at him. If anyone is even _suspicious_ he’ll pay them off, or shut them up personally. He can’t afford being taken from Clark. He just can’t…

 

__________

 

It had been a long night, and he couldn’t be happier to get back home to the mansion. The police had questioned him, and he was at the station for several hours, and so far, everything was going smoothly. It was, apparently, an obvious suicide. Lex shared his story of how lately, his dad had been seeming more stressed than usual, but that he’d never thought anything of it. _‘My father and I have had our differences, but I never thought…I never thought that I would lose him so soon…’_ The police bought it, and he was free to go.

He rubs his forehead, dropping the keys in his key bowl and stepping into his office. He pauses in the doorway, seeing the silhouette of Clark in front of his window. He always thought that Clark was most beautiful when he thinks nobody is watching, when he gets lost in his own thoughts.

“Clark.” He turns around, grim expression on his face.

“Lex.”

“What brings you to the mansion at,” He looks down at his watch. “two in the morning?”

“I…saw the news, are…are you okay?” He’s concerned about Lex. It’s been…a while since he’s been concerned. Lex misses it. It was nice to know that at least someone you care about, cares about you in return.

“I’ll live, Clark.” He removes his coat, draping it across the back of a chair and heading over to his personal bar. After tonight, he really needs another drink.

 _Murderer_.

 No, it’s not murder if the man you killed is so twisted, he can’t even be considered human. Lex prays to whatever god or deity is up there that he never turns into his father. He doesn’t want to be a monster too.

 _But you already are_.

“Can I ask you something? And can you promise to tell the truth?” He turns to his friend, drink in hand. Clark is smart, of course he suspected that Lex had something to do with it.

“I’m tired of your accusations, Clark, not everything bad is my fault.” He wasn’t talking about this with Clark, he couldn’t. What if Clark never forgave him? What if he left him again?

“I know that.” He snaps. Then, in a gentler tone, “Lex, please.” Lex remained silent for a moment, jaw twitching, hand shaking. In fear of dropping it, he set his glass down on the bar, stepping closer to Clark. _‘He’s not a meteor freak.’_ Maybe his father was trying to get him to resent Clark, maybe he was telling the truth. The only way Lex would know, was if Clark told him himself.

“He knew too much.” Lex whispered, suddenly afraid. “He knew how to hurt you. How to kill you.”

“But he wouldn’t have, it was an empty threat.”

“Maybe, but do you really think he wasn’t using you?” He raises his voice, growing angry. “That he wasn’t just waiting to hurt you or the people you love for his own gain? I’ve never thought of you as a fool, but trusting my father was stupidest thing you could have _ever_ done.”

“He was _helping_ me!” Clark seems desperate to hold on to the thought that Lionel actually cared about him. Lex was that desperate once, but he’s long since gotten over it. Father seldom cared about anyone but himself. He stopped caring about Lex the day Julian died.

“He was helping _himself_!” Lex knows that they’re being too loud, but he doesn’t care. He needs Clark too see that was he did was the _right_ thing to do. “You weren’t safe with him knowing you secrets.” Quieter this time, softer.

“And I am with you knowing them?”

“You can lie, betray, and hurt me, but I will always protect you, no matter what. I can’t say the same for Lionel.” He’s close to Clark now, just inches away. “You just never trusted me.” Clark looks down at him, emotion swimming his green eyes. Lex always loved his eyes, displaying every emotion he has. That’s why he’s so bad at lying. His eyes always betray him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” He looks down, staring at a speck of blood on his left shoe. He may have hated his father, and now that he’s gone, it feels like a giant weight has been lifted. But, he’s alone now. The last of his family. And he realizes, that that _scares_ him. “Clark?”

“Yes?”

“I’m afraid.” He keeps his voice low, barely a whisper. “I killed my dad.” Saying it out loud just makes it more real. A soft ‘I know’ and strong arm are pulling him close. He buries his face in Clark’s neck taking in his scent. Musky, and a bit like hay, but nice. Lex knows that Clark isn’t okay with what he did, but Lex doesn’t think he’s going to leave. He can tell that Clark greatly regrets leaving him, so he can forgive Clark. As long as he’s here now. That doesn’t mean all their problems are going to go away though, they’re two very different people, but Lex loves him all the same.


	2. Losing Sight of Who You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure about this chapter but I've had this idea about how I want this story to go and I want to stick with it so bear with me.
> 
> Also sorry about this but trigger warning.

**Part Two**

 

 

Lex spent more time than he’d like to admit crying silently into Clark’s shoulder. Over his _father_ of all people. A few years ago, even with all the resentment he had for that man, he never would have thought that one day, he’d _kill_ him.

Lex pulls away, needing to look strong. _You cannot appear weak in front of others, or they will use that to their advantage._ His father’s voice rings through his head. He wipes the back of his hand across his eyes, stepping away from his friend.

“Your mother is going to kill you if you stay here the whole night again.” He tries to laugh, but it comes out dry. His voice sounds hoarse to his ears, broken. He felt his cheeks flush, Lex was used to always seeming put-together and strong. He doesn’t like being vulnerable in front of others.

“You don’t actually think I’m going to leave you alone, do you?” Clark sounds determined, and Lex knows that when Clark sets his mind on something, he gets it done. It’s too late to start an argument about anything, the events of the day are catching up to him.

“No, I suppose I don’t.” Lex turns away from him, focusing on the fireplace. “I’ll have the guest room set up for you.” He doesn’t say that he’d rather share a bed with Clark, knowing he’s not going to forget how it felt to sleep beside him anytime soon. He hasn’t felt so safe in well…ever. He’s always safe when Clark is there.

He walks over to his desk phone and buzzes the housekeeper, not caring about waking her up, and ordering her to ready the guest room next to his. He set down the phone and looks over to Clark, an awkward silence settling over them.

“Thank you.” Clark said, folding his arms across his chest and looking down at his shoes.

“For what?”

“Protecting me, protecting my secret.” He looked back up to Lex. “But Lionel didn’t need to die…no one ever needs to die.”

“No, Clark. Sometimes, people _do_ need to die. If I had simply put Lionel in prison again, he would have found a way to get us _both_ killed. Or, continued to use the fact that he knows what you are to use you. He was a selfish, manipulative man and he deserved to die.”

_Just keep telling yourself that, Lex._

Just talking about Lionel makes his blood boil. He could have _hurt_ Clark. Clark needs to be more careful, the more people that know, the more danger he’s in…

“Nobody deserves death, Lex. Even a man as horrible as your father.”  Clark is too good. His morals are one of his weaknesses. Not all weaknesses are physical, and most of Clark’s are emotional. He’s too _kind_. He doesn’t see how that kindness could one day, get him killed.

The housekeeper walks in, notifying them that Clark’s room is ready before looking at them strangely, and leaving. Lex could never get attached to his staff, they don’t usually last for long, most people can’t really handle Lex. But sometimes he regrets letting their names slip his mind. Lex supposes that’s why he’s there, to balance Clark out.

He tugs on Clark’s sleeve, motioning for him to follow. The guest room by Lex’s is nothing fancy, just a large bed, a dresser, closet, and vanity. Of course, it might seem fancy to someone who isn’t accustomed to a certain lifestyle, like Clark, but it wasn’t extravagant. It was painted and decorated in soft yellows, golds, browns, and blues. Not the purple that Lex usually likes, but this isn’t _his_ room.

“I’m right down the hall if you need anything.” Lex is reluctant to leave him, but he knows he has to. They’re not a couple, and probably never will be. But Clark’s wrong if he thinks Lex is going to let him date _anyone_ other than him. Clark needs someone who can take care of him, protect him. And that’ll be hard to do unless they have a decent amount of money and the right connections.

“Goodnight, Lex.”

“Goodnight.”

_‘He’s not a meteor freak.’_

Lex doesn’t really want to dwell on that, what it means. _‘Do you believe in aliens, Clark?’_ What a fucking _joke_. His father’s last words were mocking, _smug_. Meant to hurt him. The final jab. He quickly strips down, neatly folding his worn clothes and setting them on the dresser for the maid to pick up tomorrow. He was too tired to bother with pajamas, so he settled in bed in nothing but his boxers. It was late, and he had a long day.

_You killed your father, Lex._

“Shut up.” He mumbles to himself, rubbing at his temples. That stupid _voice_. He can’t tell if it’s his father’s or his own. He should have guessed that Lionel would find a way to nag him even from his grave. That man _got off_ on torturing Lex. Lex shuddered, pushing the memories of his childhood from his mind.

_Oh, he got off all right._

Lex knows that he will never regret killing his father.

_But you killed Dad…_

No, that man was never his dad.

 

__________

 

Lex was just starting to drift off when he heard his bedroom door creak open. Instinctively, he grabbed the gun placed on his bedside table and pointed it at the figure in his doorway.

“Clark?”

“Sorry.” Pale moonlight illuminated his features, showing concern. Shadows falling over his face, making him appear supernatural, beautiful. Clark gestured to the gun, still pointed at him, until Lex realized he was still holding it and set it down, hearing it _clank_ against the bedside table. _‘Don’t scratch the wood, Lex, we just had it re-finished!’_

“Just a precaution.” Lex said sheepishly. “Did…did you need something?”

“No I…I just…” Clark stuttered, scratching the back of his neck and looking down. He’s shirtless, Lex noticed. His torso all tanned skin and hard muscle. Lex catches himself staring and glances back at Clark’s face, hopefully not blushing too noticeably.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah.” They just look at each other for a moment before Lex shifts to the other side of the bed and pats the space next to him. An invitation Clark takes quickly (very quickly). When Clark is settled, Lex decides to take a chance and pushed himself a little closer to Clark, feeling his body heat. “Lex-“

Lex shushes him with a kiss. It wasn’t deep, it was light and chaste. He will never forget the way Clark’s lips felt when they were town in the tunnels. How badly he wants to _taste_ him again. Instead, he settles for wrapping an arm around Clark’s waist and pushing his face into Clark’s neck. He wonders if it would have been easier, if they would have had more if neither of them lied so much. Maybe. But that’s not the way things are, right now, he’s just happy to hold Clark in his arms while they sleep, to feel Clark’s heart thump, thump, thump. A soothing rhythm to lull him to sleep. Yeah, he could get used to this…

 

**********

 

Clark could get used to this. Waking in Lex’s bed, holding him in his arms. But he shouldn’t, friends don’t sleep next to each other like this, lovers do. He and Lex are not lovers, and never will be. Even if they kissed again last night. What was Lex _thinking_? They aren’t a couple, they can’t be. It wouldn’t be a good idea to have a romantic relationship. Their friendship is toxic enough.

Even so, Clark stays. Letting himself endure this guilty pleasure for a little longer. He remembers what it was like to wake up with Lana in his arms, soft, dark skin, and tangled hair. The feel of her breasts pushed up against his chest. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he likes this much better. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to break Lex if he lets himself hold on tighter. He likes feeling Lex’s hard muscles under his hands, how one of his legs is wedged between Clark’s. Lex isn’t fragile like Lana is. Not physically.

He pulls away a bit when he feels his friend start to stir. Lex opens his eyes, foggy from sleep, focusing on Clark. Clark sits up, leaning against the headrest, suddenly very aware of how little clothing they have on.

“Hey.” He hears his friend say, looking up at him, emotions blocked off even this early. It’s like Lex is always afraid that if he shows what he’s really feeling, everyone will hurt him. Clark doesn’t really blame him…Lex gave Clark everything and all Clark did was hurt him.

“Hey.” There’s not much else they can say. So they just watch each other in a comfortable silence. Clark wonders if it could ever be like it was before with them, when they were best friends. But deep down, he knows that it can’t. Lex…killed Lionel. He _murdered_ him. Clark just wishes he knew what was going on in that head of his. Lex is one of the smartest people he knows, and it scares him that the only way Lex thought he could protect Clark from Lionel was to kill him.

It makes him wonder, how much does Lex know? He knows that Clark isn’t normal, he admit that in the tunnels, but does he know that Clark isn’t even human? Would he accept him if he did? After last night, Clark doesn’t doubt that Lex cares a great deal about him, but was there anything that could make him _stop_ caring?

Clark slides out from under Lex’s sheets, standing and wrapping his arms around his abdomen in an attempt to cover himself.

“There should be something that fits you in the guest closet.” Lex offers, standing up himself. “Unless, you don’t mind walking around shirtless.” Clark blushes, turning away.

“I’ll…get dressed then.” He’d never seen Lex with so little clothing on before, it was…pleasing. He tried not to acknowledge his arousal as he headed back to the guest room. He could tell that Lex wasn’t the one who decorated it by the lack of the color purple. It was a nice room, not too large, but roomy. It feels warm and homely. Definitely not decorated by Lex.

When he opens the closet, he’s surprised to find a decent assortment of casual clothes, all in his size. Lex must have anticipated Clark’s staying at the mansion at some point. Even after all their fights. He can’t help but let out a quiet chuckle under his breath. The shirts and pants were nowhere near as fancy as Lex’s, but they were much nicer, and obviously more expensive than what he usually wears.

He finally decides on a pair of black jeans and a deep red sweater before hearing someone yelling. He listens closely, wondering if there was a fight, or danger, making out Lex’s voice. Just Lex’s voice.

“You _bastard_!” He hurries over, expecting to find someone else in there. But when he opens the door he just sees Lex. He jumps in surprise when Lex suddenly removes the wall mirror hanging in front of him, smashing it on his dresser and splitting his hands open with the glassy remains.

“Lex?” He doesn’t hear him, just stares at his bleeding palms with a sick fascination, grinding the shards of glass deeper. Clark stepped into the room, pulling Lex’s hands away from him and examining the damage. “What…what happened?”

“He won’t _shut up_.” Lex’s voice was wavering, a rare thing. Concerned, Clark looks back up to his face, how Lex’s eyes were unfocused, how he’s trembling. Is he on something? No, Clark had just been here a minute ago. Not enough time to get drunk, and his x-ray vision told him that there weren’t any illegal drugs in the room.

“Who won’t shut up?”

“ _Him_.” Lex glares at what is left of his mirror, like he’s disgusted with his own reflection. Clark isn’t sure what to do, so he just leads Lex into the connecting bathroom, turning on the fancy faucet and placing Lex’s wounded hands under the water, cleaning the blood and staining the water pink. He lets go of Lex, letting him stand by the sink while he searches his cabinets. Using his x-ray vision, again, he finds what he needs, tweezers and a roll of gauze.

He turns back to his friend, pulling his hands out of the discolored water and picks the remaining shards of glass out, one by one, trying to ignore the tiny, pained sounds Lex was making. When he was done, he wrapped them in the gauze to stop the bleeding, hoping he did an alright job. He’s no medical professional.

“Are you okay?” Clark asks when he brings Lex back into his room, pulling him down gently to sit on the bed.

“I…yeah. I don’t know what came over me.” Lex looks down at his bandaged hands apologetically. “I’m sorry.” He turns back to Clark, brushing their shoulders together for a moment.

“Okay.” Clark is still worried, Lex had seemed…really out of it. He wasn’t sure what it was about, but it might have something to do with the death of his father. People deal with grief in different ways. Lex might have hated the man, but he was still his son. To some degree, he had to have cared about his father. Lex isn’t that cold. And he supposes that Lex just deals with his feeling differently from others, he hopes this isn’t a serious problem.

Clark isn’t sure what to do about this. The right thing to do would be to turn Lex over to the authorities. But. Clark doesn’t know if he’d be able to. Even after everything Lex has done, Clark can’t see himself being the reason he’s put behind bars. A few weeks before, he wouldn’t have cared as much. Or at all. A few weeks before, he _hated_ Lex.

But maybe there’s still a chance that Clark can save him.

 

__________

 

Breakfast was…awkward. Neither of them really spoke much, unsure of what to say. Clark watched Lex fumble with his silver wear, his injured hands making holding things difficult and most likely very painful. Well, it was his own damn fault. The events of this morning unsettled Clark, he just feels like something’s _off_ about Lex. Clark supposes that he’s just dealing with the death of his father and the complete inheritance of the company. It must be a lot to take in.

When he’s finished, Clark excuses himself to send a text to his mom, letting her know where he is and that he’s okay. She’s probably confused by Clark’s sudden change in attitude towards Lex. Clark’s a little confused too. Though, he doesn’t really want to question it. Being with Lex again, it feels _good_.

Clark can’t help but feel like he’s doing something wrong, knowing Lex killed a man in cold blood and he’s not doing anything about it. But he just _can’t_. Lex…hasn’t really been himself lately. The drinking, the staying out late, pulling a gun on him and Lana…killing Lionel. Something’s wrong with Lex and Clark has no idea what. If he really thinks about it, Lex has been different ever since Zod. Even though he was told that none of it was _his_ fault, that he wasn’t in control of his body, he still feels guilty. That’s proof that Lex is still good, right? Because he feels guilt for that?

Clark thinks that maybe he doesn’t even know Lex anymore…that he’s a completely different person from the one that Clark used to know. The one Clark used to laugh and joke with, and play pool and watch stupid movies on Lex’s gigantic expensive television. Clark just _misses_ him.

He was about to find Lex again, see if he wanted to do anything today, like old times when Clark’s phone began to ring. He answered it without bothering to check the caller I.D.

“Hello?”

“Clark!” Chloe. She must be pissed, he hasn’t spoken to her in weeks. He wasn’t deliberately trying to ignore her as of late, but he just hasn’t had the energy lately to deal with her. Clark swears, she must drink at _least_ three cans of Red Bull a day. Nobody is naturally that chipper.

“Hey, Chlo.”

“’Hey’? Is that all you have to say? You’ve been ignoring me for _weeks_.” He really let his social life slide away lately. He kind of blames Lex, even though he knows that that wasn’t the man’s intention. Probably. He isn’t always sure when it comes to Lex.

“It’s…complicated.”

“You’re damn right it is.” She snaps back at him. “Lionel Luthor is _dead_.”

“I know.” It must have reached the news then.

“And I’m pretty sure that Lex is responsible.” She sounds smug, using that tone she uses when she finds incriminating evidence. He can’t let her find out…that would _end_ Lex. Clark didn’t want him to go to jail. He doesn’t want to lose him.

“What…what makes you say that?” He’s trying not to sound too nervous, just hoping she’s too caught up in her own excitement to notice his unsteady voice.

“Apparently, he went to visit him yesterday, staying in the office just a little too long. Either he just sat there, staring at his dad’s lifeless body, or he was taking his time _doing_ something. Word is, he paid off the guard too but I don’t have any evidence of that. Yet.” Clark _really_ hopes her investigation comes to a dead end.

“Not everything is Lex’s fault, you know.” He hasn’t lied to Chloe in so long…lately she’s been the only person he never keeps things from. The person he trusts most with his life. But he can’t let Lex go to jail. He was only trying to protect Clark…

“I’m pretty sure he did it, Clark. I mean, they’ve been at odds for _years_. Why not just end it once and for all?”

“Why don’t you just stick your nose back where it belongs?” He snaps, ending the call and shoving his phone back in his pocket. Completely disregarding her feelings. It had to hurt, Clark has never really been harsh like that with anyone. Especially Chloe. But she seemed so _sure_ that Lex had done it. She needs to stop investigating _now_.

“Chloe, I assume.” Lex is leaning in the doorway, looking at him intently.

“She thinks you did it. Killed Lionel.” Lex nods slightly, pursing his lips.

“We can’t have that now, can we?”

“No.” Clark agrees. A little surprised that he was agreeing about something _illegal_. A long time ago, he made a promise to himself to always follow the law. But…maybe Lex is worth breaking a few promises for. He did it for Clark’s sake, after all.

“Does she know?”

“What?”

“About you?” Clark was going to have to get used to this ‘Lex knowing’ thing because it’s kind of…unsettling.

“Oh.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, she does.” Lex makes a humming sound before pushing himself off the doorway, taking a step towards Clark.

“And she’s a reporter?”

“Yes.” Clark replies, not sure where Lex was going with this.

“And if she came to resent you, does she not have the power to expose you?” Oh. He thinks that Chloe would tell. That she would use him for a story.

“She would never do that, Lex.”

“Just like I would never commit a murder?” There’s something in Lex’s eyes. Something…not him.

“Lex…”

“You think you know people, Clark, but do you really?”

“Chloe is my friend, she would never betray me.” But…would she? Chloe loves her job, more than almost anything. “Alien Child Falls from Sky” would be a great headline for her. She has all the resources, all the _proof_. If she wanted, she could out him in a day. He’d never questioned her loyalty before…but then again, there was a time that Clark trusted Lex, even if not with everything, and Lex betrayed him. Lex was his best friend…

“I should make a few calls, Clark.” Lex leans up, pecking him on the cheek before disappearing to his study, leaving a stunned Clark left in the hallway. Lex was acting…almost _domestic_. Last time Clark checked, him and Lex don’t _peck_ each other on the cheek. But then again, Lex isn’t being himself. The worst part is that Clark has no one to talk about this to. The person Clark used to go to for relationship advice was Lex, though he never anticipated needing relationship advice _because_ of Lex.

It’s not like they’re even in a relationship, or that he wants one. It would _never_ work between them. They have too much bad history. They’d only end up hurting each other. And Clark doesn’t ever want to hurt Lex again. But the way he looked at Clark, it was the look he gave him when they first kissed, in the tunnels.

_‘Why won’t you love me like you think you love her?’_

Those words have been haunting Clark for two days now. He knows that he probably shouldn’t spend too much time pondering the drunken words of Lex Luthor. They could have just been meaningless, an unrealistic idea formed in Lex’s fogged up mind. But if they’re meaningless, why does Clark feel a jab of pain every time he envisions Lex’s face when he said them?

Even if they were meaningless to Lex, they weren’t to Clark. And that’s what hurts. He spent so long pining after Lana that he never realized how Lex felt. Because even if he doesn’t love Clark, even if it’s just an obsession, Clark wanting Lana hurt him.

He makes his way to the study, stopping in the doorway and just watching Lex. He has a tumbler in his hand, a half-full bottle of scotch on his desk. Clark can tell that he’s already had several drinks. He walks over to Lex, taking the glass out of his bandaged hand and setting it on the bar.

“You drink too much.” He states, crossing his arms over his chest and just letting Lex glare at him.

“No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.” Lex sighs in defeat, moving closer to Clark and resting a hand on his arm. Clark unwraps his arms from himself and pulls Lex even closer instead, enjoying the feeling of his heat. Lex isn’t usually one to show affection. In fact, Clark noticed that he rarely let other people touch him for any reason. With Clark as an exception. But he’s not complaining, Clark can’t even describe how good it feels to have Lex pressed up against him.

Eventually, Lex kind of shoves him away and sits down at his desk, mumbling something about work needing to be done. To Lex, there’s always going to be work.  

“Will you be okay if I leave?” Clark questions, trying to search his friend’s eyes for _something_. He knows that Lex isn’t okay. Lex has never been the hugging type, even with Clark, so for him to initiate one out of the blue means something’s up.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Came his cold reply. Sometimes you just can’t get past Lex’s walls no matter how hard you try. Clark can tell that this was one of those times.

“I’m just…worried.” He stands there for a moment, biting his lip and trying to come up with something else to say. When he couldn’t, he decided it was best to just head home. He knows that his mom probably wasn’t too thrilled about his recent wanderings to the Luthor mansion, and she’s probably grieving over Lionel by now. He never liked how _close_ they had gotten since his dad died. He supposes he should just be thankful that nothing really happened between them.

Clark supposes that, a little part of him is relieved that Lionel is dead. He feels just the smallest bit safer. Maybe what Lex said was true. Maybe Lionel really was just using him. His sudden change had always been a bit… _unnerving_. Lionel Luthor magically sprouting _feelings_? Bullshit. Clark never liked the fact that Lionel knew his secret. Oracle or not. There was a time when he _hated_ that man. Lately it had just been a strong dislike.

Maybe Lex made the right call, killing him. He weaseled his way out of prison once, he might’ve been able to do it again. He scolds himself for even _thinking_ that murder was the right way out. It never is, murder is wrong.

He just wishes he knew what Lex was thinking, was he sad? Just because Lionel was cruel father, his was still Lex’s dad. And recently, they’ve been closer than ever. And that incident this morning…Lex had to have been talking to himself. In that moment, when he smashed the mirror on his dresser, pressing his hands into the glass, Clark was reminded of three years ago. Of Lex holding a towel to his chest, singing to it like he would a baby.

He couldn’t have been drugged again. Lionel is _dead_. And Clark’s pretty sure Lex decided to never contact another therapist again. And that’s what concerns Clark. Maybe, back then, Lex hadn’t had a real psychotic break, it was all drug induced. But now? There’s still the trauma he suffered when he was on that island. And with no mental help since Bell Reve? His stay in Bell Reve would be considered traumatic as well, since he remembers it.

Clark just hopes Lex doesn’t lose it again. Because if he does, Clark might too.

 

His mother is sitting on the couch, box of tissues on the coffee table and TV set to the news. He stands in front of it, flicking it off and turning to look at her.

“They say it was suicide, Clark.”

“I know.”

“Why would he…”

“I don’t know, Ma.” She dabs a tissue under her eyes before straightening up.

“Maybe it’s for the best. He was a dangerous man, especially knowing about you.” And that’s why Lex killed him. Strangely enough, he feels mildly flattered that Lex would go to such extremes to keep him safe. A few weeks ago he was certain Lex would have killed him himself, if given the chance. Clark thinks he should just stop trying to understand Lex, the man will always be an anomaly. His beautiful anomaly.

“Yeah.”

“How…how is Lex doing?” She asks, uncertain. She still dislikes Lex, with good reason. But she knows that there’s no way to stop Clark from seeing him, and for that, Clark is grateful.

“He’s…I don’t know Mom. I think he’s grieving? In his own way.” Clark runs his hands down his arms, almost hugging himself.  She nods, looking down at her folded hands. Clark knows that his mother is greatly worried about him, that she doesn’t trust Lex. His parents were always more cautious around him after Clark chose Lex over them, during the Bell Reve incident. Maybe they were afraid that Lex was going to steal Clark from them. Not physically, but mentally. His parents always worried too much. Not that they were wrong in the end.

His mom reaches a hand up, tucking her hair behind an ear and sighing.

“Can you…stay home tonight?” She asked, not meeting his eyes. “I don’t…Lex isn’t the person you used to know, Clark. He’s different.” Clark stays silent for a moment, trying to find the right words.

“If he needs me, I’ll have to go.” He scratches the back of his neck, right below the hairline, before walking away, up to his room. This time yesterday, Lana was in his room. He wonders if she’s filed for a divorce yet. He…doesn’t want her to stay married to Lex. And not because he wants to be with her.

Clark knows that eventually, he’s going to have to actually admit that he has some feelings for Lex. But he isn’t ready. Lana…Lana is safe. If they were together, after the divorce gets finalized, it would be _safe._ She is familiar, being with her, he wouldn’t have to admit to anything. Clark wouldn’t have to accept the fact the he finds Lex attractive, he wouldn’t have to ‘come out’, it would be so much easier. But it just didn’t work with them. He and Lana would never be able to have a constant, stable relationship.

And he thinks about Lex. He thinks about how Lex used to smile at him, how good it felt to hold him at night. And he feels a pang in his chest.

_‘Why won’t you love me like you think you love her?’_

He can’t help but play those words over and over in his head. Does _Lex_ love _him_? Or does he just want Clark’s love, his loyalty, without the intent of returning it? What does Lex want from him? He just…doesn’t understand.

Clark throws himself back on his bed, the hells of his palms digging into his eyes, hearing the old bed frame creak beneath him. If he could get headaches, this would definitely be giving him one. When did his already confusing life get so much more so? It’s bad enough he’s an _alien_ , does he have to be gay too? He groans, wondering what he’s going to do.

 

**********

 

Lex regrets sending Clark away. His presence was…grounding. He feels just a little bit safer in Clark’s arms. They were never this touchy before, not really. Before the tunnels, Lex was always too scared to really touch, to get too close. When he kissed Clark that day, he really had nothing to lose. Their friendship was already shattered, and there was a strong possibility they were going to die. Though, he never really believed that Clark would come back to him…that he would _care_ about him again.

But Clark would have only served as a distraction from what he needs to do today. After Clark left, he made a few calls, Chloe Sullivan would need to be watched. Clark told her his secret, and Lex doesn’t fully trust her. Clark may think that she’s incapable of exposing his secret for the sake of a good story, but sometimes Clark lets his emotions rule him. There needs to be an outside perspective, and that’s where Lex comes in. Nobody is ever completely trustworthy. There’s almost always an ulterior motive.

Another problem is Lana. Lex is pretty sure she knows…something. He knows for a fact that Clark never told her, but she can be a nosy bitch at times. Lex is unsure about her motives, she must have been heartbroken when she learned that Clark really doesn’t love her anymore. Or, she’s still holding on to that delusion and will keep trying. Lex doesn’t want her too close to Clark. It would be cruel to deny him her friendship, but he doesn’t trust her. Not anymore.

Yes, there was a time when he cared deeply about her. Originally, he had started spending more time with her to aggravate Clark, but there was something about her that made him like her. Not love, he never loved her. But he liked her. She’s a snake though, a needy snake. There was a time when Lana was all everyone says she is, but that’s not her anymore. She’s changed, she’s different. She’s dangerous now. She has the power to steal Clark from him.

With the right words, she could have Clark wrapped around her finger in a moment. Not because Clark is weak, but because Lex knows Lana is like his safety net. To him, he’d be taking no risks by being with Lana. But Lex won’t let him. Lana is dangerous and he wishes she were dead. Of course, he could always arrange for that to happen, but it would break Clark’s heart.

_You didn’t have any problems killing Father._

“That was different.” He mutters. “I was protecting Clark.”

_And you wouldn’t be doing the same with her?_

Killing Lana would be a great way to protect Clark. But…

“It would hurt him too much.” Thankfully, it doesn’t respond. Hurting Clark is the last thing he wants to do. That doesn’t mean he won’t if it means Clark’s life though. He’ll kill that bitch in a heartbeat if she becomes too threatening. Right now, she’s just a mild…obstacle.

He throws back another glassful of whiskey. He’d switched after Clark left, wanting a change from scotch. He knows that Clark thinks he drinks too much, and he probably does, but the alcohol dulls his thoughts, keeps them from spinning out of control…too much. He misses his friend’s presence, misses knowing that he’s right there, _safe_.

Lex looks down at his mangled hands. He wasn’t really thinking about what was happening when he was smashing his mirror and grinding his hands in the glass. It felt…good. It was like penance for what he had done. Kill your father, make yourself bleed. It made him feel in control right in that moment. His mind had finally shut up.

Clark would be against him hurting himself, he’d freak out again. Though it was nice to be taken care of like that. Clark was so worried about him…Lex likes it when he _knows_ that Clark cares. For so long, he thought that Clark _despised_ him. Every accusation was like a jab in the gut. It hurt him to think that Clark didn’t care anymore. But he did. Clark did care and now he’s showing it again.

Lex sits at his desk for a little while longer, legs crossed and staring into his empty tumbler. He knows that he’s drunk. That he shouldn’t really be doing anything until he can think clearly, but he wants to feel that control again.

He stands on unsteady feet, before making his way to the kitchen. Lex knows that this is a bad idea, but shoos the cook anyway, leaving him alone. He wonders what Clark would think, even as he’s picking up the knife. Would Clark take care of him again? Would he be mad? He makes a horizontal line on the back of his wrist, not too deep.

_It’s beautiful, isn’t it?_

He wonders how far he can go, what his limits are with this.

Another cut.

_Dad gets a bullet in the head and you get bloodied arms. Seems fair._

Another.

_You need some sort of punishment if you won’t go to jail._

Deeper.

_Daddy would be proud._

He turns his arm around, slicing the inside of his wrist. He watches as the blood beads at the opening, dripping down his arm when too much gathers in one spot. He does it again.

_Don’t stop._

He doesn’t, he likes the pain. He wants _more_.

_“You’re so pretty, Lex.”_

 Vertical this time.

_“So tight.”_

Maybe he’ll die from this. He doesn’t stop, not when the blood drips onto the tile, not when tears fog his vision

_“Such a good boy, let me hear you.”_

Lex screams, tossing the bloodied knife into a sink and bringing a hand up to his forehead, stopping at the sight of his bandages. They’re soaked in blood, so much blood. _What was I thinking?_

_You were thinking that this would make up for all the wrongs you’ve done, all the murders you’ve committed._

Lex remembers the first man he killed. A reporter, he killed him to save Jonathan Kent. He remembers being disgusted with himself for taking a life.

_And look how far you’ve come._

“I’m not a killer.” Lex just kills to protect. He just wants to protect the ones he loves.

_You are a killer. Don’t lie to yourself._

“I’m not.” He says weakly, looking down at his forearm, it was barely recognizable.

It’s still bleeding, badly. He regrets making so many cuts. What’s wrong with him? Lex has never self-harmed like this before. He’s wanted to die before, but he never took it out on his body. Well, not like this. Drugs aren’t the same as cutting. He looks to his side, finding a clean rag and pressing it against his forearm. He might need a hospital. But he doesn’t want to go to a hospital, not alone. And he can’t tell Clark, Clark would panic.

When he thinks he’s stemmed most of the bleeding, he throws the rag down, letting it lay with the knife. He’ll destroy those later. Right now, he just wants to be alone. He pulls down his shirt sleeve, not caring about bloodstains and unlocks the kitchen door. Lex stumbles out, feeling the joined effects of alcohol and blood loss. He crashes into the staff room, startling them.

“Get out.” The just look at him, concern and confusion written all over their faces. “I said, _get out!_ ” He picks up a lamp, chucking it at the nearest employee. “Get out of my house!”

He knows that they’re scared because they leave immediately. Good. They should be scared. He rubs at his temples, not caring about smearing the blood. He can’t think straight. He needs a drink. Lex hopes Clark comes back soon, Clark will save him. Clark always saves him…

 

**********

 

Clark has a bad feeling. Something’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what. He can just _feel_ it though, somewhere in his gut. Something’s nagging him to go check up on Lex, but he promised he’d stay home today. The farm needs a little bit of work and Clark is more than happy to do it. But that feeling doesn’t go away.

It was around noon when he heard a car door slam outside of the barn. He looked out the loft window, seeing Chloe rushing in his direction, her coat splayed out behind her, almost like a cape. Superhero Chloe.

“Clark!” She’s holding a bunch of files in her arms, and she looks excited. He thinks back to their conversation earlier that day, how she was researching Lionel’s death. Clark really hopes she hasn’t found any hard evidence. If she has, he’ll have to think of something to get her to not publish it. He wasn’t going to let Lex go to prison.

“Yeah?” He tries to sound oblivious as to why she’s here.

“You won’t believe this!” She’s sifting through the papers now, smile stretching from ear to ear. Clark just nods, trying not to look concerned. “I managed to track down the guard that was on-duty for Lionel’s office last night.”

“You did?”

“Yes! And he somehow managed to stumble upon a _generous_ amount of money last night.” She holds a sheet of paper in front of Clark’s face, but he pays no attention to what’s on it. Lex must have paid the guard off. He’s good at bribes. He always knows what to say and how much to offer to get people to do what he wants.

“Chloe he could have gotten that money from anywhere, maybe even Lionel himself.”

“True, but from what the security cameras in the building suggest-“

“You tapped into the security system?”

“-Lex was in that office for a _long_ while.” She grins again, ignoring him and biting her lip, seeming proud of her detective work.

“Chloe, just let it go.” Clark knows how bad he is at lying, he would never be able to come up with a reasonable one for why Lex was in his father’s office for so long, why the guard had a significant last paycheck.

“Why, Clark? This is our chance to _finally_ get Lex! Finally get him to pay for all the crimes he’s done!”

“Well maybe I don’t want that anymore!” He watches her smile fade, confusion creeping into her face.

“What? Why?”

“I can’t talk about it.” Clark _really_ doesn’t want to get into the complications in his relationship with Lex with her. Chloe doesn’t need to know about the kiss. Doesn’t need to know how much Clark liked it.

“You can’t talk about _anything_ anymore, Clark! God.” She drops the files down on Clark’s desk, placing her hands on her hips and looking at him intently. “What happened in those tunnels? I know something did, you’ve been acting weird ever since.”

“I’m not talking about this with you.” He grumbles, brushing past her and making his way toward the loft staircase.

“Well you need to talk about it with someone.” Clark can hear the frustration in her voice, but he doesn’t stop. He hears the floorboards creak under his weight with every step he takes. Clark can only hope she doesn’t write her article exposing Lex. He can’t explain why he’s okay with letting Lex go free, Lex _killed_ a man. But he can’t stand the thought of his friend rotting in prison.

He thinks about maybe speeding back up there and taking the files, but knowing Chloe, she’s probably got backups. It wouldn’t make a difference.

And then there’s that feeling again, the one deep in his gut. It’s telling him that something’s wrong. But he blames it on mild paranoia, Clark doesn’t want to think about things going wrong now. He doesn’t want to have to think about saving someone, then covering his tracks again. Honestly, it’s tiring. Feeling like he always needs to be there, feeling like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

That first time he was with Lana, she took that feeling away. Not completely, there was always a nagging at the back of his head, but she helped. She made everything feel okay for a little while. Clark misses the times when she made him feel like that, he misses having someone to hold, having someone love him. The past few days, Lex has made him feel like that, and that scares him.

Clark doesn’t realize how far he’s run until he sees the Luthor manor in the distance. He thinks back to that kiss, stopping and just looking at the castle. He remembers how _good_ it felt to kiss Lex. He feels a strong urge to just go up there now and kiss him again. Just get lost in the feeling of his lips. He doesn’t doubt that Lex cares about him now, how could he ever? He thinks back to all the times Lex was so kind, always promising to protect his friends no matter what.

But he doesn’t go up there. He doesn’t pull Lex into his arms. Instead, he heads back home, hoping Chloe would have left by now. He feels a little guilty, practically praying that his friend will be gone, but all she’s going to want to talk about is exposing Lex and Clark doesn’t want to deal with that right now. He keeps ignoring that bad feeling.

 

__________

 

Clark finds it hard to fall asleep that night. He keeps reaching over, trying to put an arm around a body that isn’t there. After two nights of sleeping with Lex, he needs to adjust to sleeping alone again. It was nice though, Clark had forgotten how good it was to fall asleep in someone’s arms.

And there’s still that feeling. Something’s _wrong_ but he just doesn’t know what it is. Clark decides that until he gets rid of this feeling, he won’t be able to sleep. So he pushes himself off the bed and pulls on a pair of faded jeans. He knows he promised him mom that he wouldn’t go over to Lex’s, but she’s asleep. He can’t explain why, but Clark needs to see him. Maybe it has to do with how close they’ve gotten these past few days. He even considers Lex a close friend again, which is a real improvement from several weeks ago.

 

He knows that something isn’t right when he realizes that the only person in the castle is Lex. Some of the staff members have their own rooms, the manor is never completely empty. Lex needs security guards and the cook and the maids. Why is it so empty then? He hurries up to Lex’s study, finding the door to be locked. He uses his x-ray vision, seeing Lex lying motionless on the couch in front of the fireplace.

“Lex?” He knocks on the door, loud enough that it should have woken Lex up, but it didn’t. He keeps laying there. Clark can hear his breathing, but it’s shallow and uneven. He feels the worry knot up in his stomach. “Lex.” He knocks gain, no answer.

Lex doesn’t even flinch when Clark tears the door off its hinges. There’s an empty bottle of vodka on the floor in front of the couch, he must have been drinking again. But as Clark looks closer, he sees it isn’t just that. Lex’s skin is pale, almost ghostly, and his hands and clothes are covered in what looks like…blood. Why is he covered in blood? Clark rushes over to his friend, kneeling in front of him.

“Lex?” He whispers, placing one of his hands on Lex’s cheek. Cold. Not as cold as he would be if he were dead, but colder than he should be. Clark sees the red puddle by his knees, dripping from Lex’s arm and staining his jeans. “What did you do?” He peels back the sodden sleeve of Lex’s shirt, feeling his stomach drop to his knees. There are dozens of deep lacerations all up his forearm, front and back. The bandages he remembers wrapping around Lex’s hands that morning were soaked in his blood.

“God, what did you do?” He looks closer at the cuts on Lex’s arm, deciding that he needs a hospital. He doesn’t know how long Lex has been like this, but the shallower of the cuts have already clotted so it must have been a while. He knew he shouldn’t have left Lex alone, he should have stayed. He should have been there for him. He knew Lex was unstable, but he never thought he’d do something like this. There were times, back when they were just getting to know each other, that Clark worried about him. But Lex _never_ had any self-harm tendencies. So what brought this on? Why start now?

He thinks about calling an ambulance, it would be faster if he ran there, but it would also be harder to explain himself. He decides to run, he’ll think of something when he gets there. Right now, he needs to save Lex.

 

__________

 

He leaves his mom a voicemail, telling her that something happened and he’s at the hospital, but not to worry. Lex hasn’t spoken a word since he woke up. Clark thinks he’s angry, but he’s not sure what about. The anger isn’t directed at Clark though, and that makes him feel a little better. He looks at Lex’s bandaged arm, feeling a little sick at the memory of his friend bleeding out on the couch. If Clark hadn’t come over when he did, Lex might have died. Maybe that’s why he’s angry. Maybe Lex wanted to die, or maybe he didn’t.

They sit in an awkward silence, Lex making a point to avoid looking directly at Clark. The doctors suggested sending him to the psych ward for a few days, just to be sure he’s safe but Lex declined. Clark could understand that, Bell Reve wasn’t exactly ‘fun’. But that doesn’t mean he’s not terrified for Lex. He doesn’t want to leave him alone again one day just to come back to his corpse. He doesn’t want Lex to die.

The doctors also suggested a therapist, but Lex declined that offer as well. Clark knows that Lex has problems with a lot of things medically-related. But he wants Lex to get help, he doesn’t want this to happen again. Clark somehow managed to make it through the night without crying, but he came close a few times.

The sun should be rising soon, they’ve been here for about four hours now. Four hours ago, Lex was dying. Clark shakes that thought out of his head. He _never_ thought that Lex would do something like that. And he wants to know why, but Lex still hasn’t spoken.

“Lex, what happened?” He sees his friend close his eyes, exhaling slowly. He stays like that, silent. “Lex?” Lex opens his eyes, _finally_ looking at Clark.

“I just wanted it to stop.” His voice was low, barely a whisper. And it was full of emotion.

“You wanted what to stop?” Clark asked gently, wanting to understand.

“The sound. The voice. _His_ voice.” Clark could only assume _He_ was Lionel. And he resents the man for hurting his sun even after he died. “I’m sorry.” Clark looked back up at his friend, hearing the sincerity in the words. “I wasn’t…I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t mean to almost kill yourself.” Clark finished for him, seeing the older man nod. It’s still bad, but that does make Clark feel a little better. He wasn’t trying to kill himself. It wasn’t a suicide attempt. But he still cut, he still almost _died_.

 

The doctor was reluctant to let Lex go home, but there wasn’t much he could do, Lex was an adult who was allowed to make his own decisions. Clark wasn’t too thrilled about it either, but he promised himself that he wasn’t going to leave until he knew that Lex would be okay. Even if he had to stay for weeks.

That didn’t mean Clark wasn’t _pissed_ at him though. Lex was acting like nothing was wrong, like he didn’t almost _die_. He just asked Clark if he was staying over and what he wanted for lunch. He was just…acting too normal. He was blocking off his emotions again and Clark didn’t like that. Lex needs to learn how to express his feelings more before something like _this_ happens again.

They walk into Lex study, Lex eyeing the detached door before stepping around it. Clark sees him stop in front of the bloodstained couch. That probably wasn’t going to be coming off. Lex sighs, running a freshly bandaged hand over his head. Clark wishes he knew what was going through his head. He watches as Lex drops his hand, heading over to his desk and opening the laptop. They aren’t back five minutes and Lex is already being a stubborn ass.

Clark knows that if he doesn’t say anything, Lex will drown himself in his work and act like nothing happened. He’ll pretend that he’s fine, that he wasn’t on death’s doorstep early this morning and that everything is just _peachy_. But it isn’t. He doesn’t know just how _scared_ Clark was, how scared he _is_. No matter what he says, Lex is _not_ okay.

“What are you doing?”

“Working.”

“You just got back from the hospital.” Lex should be _resting_ , not doing work. Work will only stress him out.

“This company isn’t going to run itself, Clark.” Clark huffs, exasperated. He trudges over and snaps the laptop shut, just barely missing Lex’s fingers. He glares at the other man, looking into his cold blue eyes.

“You know that if I hadn’t shown up you’d be dead, right?” Lex opens his mouth to say something, but Clark cuts him off. “You just…weren’t moving, Lex. I kept trying to talk to you and you wouldn’t wake up. You were _bleeding_ and for a moment, I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to save you.” Clark hears his voice crack at the end of the last sentence. “A month ago, if someone had told me that I’d be trying not to _cry_ because Lex Luthor put himself in the hospital, I would have laughed in their face. But a month ago, I didn’t know what it felt like to kiss you, to hold you at night. I didn’t know that I would come to _care_ so much about you. I’m _worried_ , Lex. I’m worried that I’m going to lose you again. So don’t you _dare_ act like nothing happened, that you didn’t almost kill yourself, because you _did_.”

Clark could see the barrier break, the emotion flooding into his friend’s eyes. Lex swallowed, sudden fear present in his gaze.

“I just wanted it to be quiet.”

“Lex…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so _sorry_. But he wouldn’t _shut up_.” He hears Lex’s voice breaking, can see the tears glossing over his eyes. Clark doesn’t know what to think. Lex could have killed himself, and Clark doesn’t think Lex _cares_. He looks at Lex. He sees his best friend, a grown man who has every copy of Warrior Angel in a drawer by the bookshelf. He sees the man he used to skip school for so they could get coffee together. He sees someone who’s broken, who needs his help. He sees the man he can feel himself falling for. And yes, it scares him, but he’s going to protect Lex, no matter what.

“I just…I wasn’t thinking.” He watches Lex stand up, pushing the chair away from his desk. He strides over to Clark, standing a little closer than necessary. He’s still pale, well, paler than he usually is. There are dark bags under his eyes, showing the signs of a long night. Clark feels a warm hand on his arm, his eyes meeting Lex’s apologetic ones. He’s sick. Lex needs _help_ but Clark knows that he’s never going to accept it.

He raises a tender hand to Lex face, tracing his features. He runs his thumb across Lex’s cheekbone, his lips, his brow, not quite realizing that he’s leaning in. As soon as their lips touch, Clark realizes how much he’s _missed_ this. How much he’d been craving to do it again. Lex doesn’t react immediately, like he hasn’t quite processed that this is real, that it’s happening. But when he does, it’s like everything clicks. Lex brings his hands up to Clark’s hips, gripping them tightly and pulling him closer, nudging Clark’s mouth open with his own and pushing his tongue inside. Clark tries to hold back a groan, but doesn’t succeed, it just feels so _good_. He feels Lex smile a little into his lips, like he’s pleased with himself. For those few moments, Clark lets himself get lost, like it’s just him and Lex in the whole world.

Clark pulls away, reluctantly, resting his forehead to Lex’s and looking into his friend’s eyes.

“You’re not mad?” He hears Lex ask.

“I’m _pissed_.” Clark replies, closing his eyes and breathing Lex in. Lex stays silent for a moment after that, Clark can feel his warm breath against his lips. He hasn’t kissed someone in so long…he forgot how amazing it was. And after tonight, he knows that Lex is the only person he wants to kiss. He doesn’t want to kiss anyone else, and he’s too scared to think about what that might mean. He’s sure his father is rolling around in his grave by now. Kissing another boy, not to mention that boy being _Lex_. He could just imagine the lecture. But he doesn’t care. It’s worth it.

“I love you.” Lex whispers, like it’s a secret. Clark had never been more scared, or more exhilarated, by those three words before. But he knows he can’t say it back, not yet. Maybe not ever. Because as much as he cares for Lex, saying _those words_ out loud terrifies him. He knows he won’t be rejected, Lex said it first. But…he’s just so scared and he doesn’t know why. So he says the only other thing he can think of.

“I know.” He knows that it might be one of the worst replies ever to a declaration of love, he’s quoting Han Solo, but Lex seems to understand what he’s thinking. He just gives Clark that crooked smile of his, the one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Clark does know, he doesn’t doubt Lex’s love for him. It might border on extreme obsession, but he can tell that Lex loves him, even if it’s twisted. Lex is everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this one's a little shorter, I'm only really planning on having one or two more chapters but I'm not sure.  
> Let me know it you liked it please! I know that there are like twelve people left in the Smallville fandom but every kudos makes me feel accomplished.


	3. A New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW this took a while. I think it was worth it, though. Thanks for sticking around. =P

**Part Three**

 

Lex didn’t expect him to say it back, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He knows that Clark doesn’t love him and he knows that Clark probably never will. It’s just wishful thinking, he’s lucky the man even _likes_ him at this point. After everything he’s done.

_He could never love you after what you did to him, to Daddy, he will only ever see you as evil._

He tries to block out the voice, he tries not to listen to it. But it’s so hard, especially when everything he says is true. He feels Clark’s gentle hands on his forearms, tracing the bandages. They had replaced the gauze on his hands too, his palms stinging with every movement. That’s nothing compared to his arm though. He can tell that the whole situation hurt Clark, and Lex finds that that’s the last thing he wants to do. He doesn’t want Clark to hurt, not because of _him_ , of what _he_ did.

_All you ever do is hurt people, Lex._

He shakes his head, mumbling out a quiet “no”. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to see Clark’s brows furrow and make that little line in between them on his forehead. He doesn’t need to talk to Clark for him to know exactly what’s going on.

“Don’t listen to him.”

“You think I don’t try?” It comes out more bitter than he intended, but he knows Clark isn’t hurt. They don’t say anything for a few minutes. They just stand there, Lex feeling more lost than ever, clinging to Clark like he’s Lex’s lifeline. Maybe he is. All his life he’s worked solo, even in serious relationships, it was always just him. He refused to lean on anybody, it would show weakness. _‘You must never show weakness, Lex.’_

Daddy never seemed weak. He was always alone, always strong. He barely batted an eyelash when was… _breaking_ Lex. Sometimes it seemed like he really cared, like Lex had a real dad, a real family. But that never lasted long, eventually he’d be shipped away again or sometimes Daddy would get lonely in bed…

He never wanted to be _anything_ like his father. But he always admired his strength, his aptitude for only caring about himself. Lex thought that’s how he kept himself alive though all the criminal activity. But he’s dead now, isn’t he? Solitude won’t get you anywhere.

But Lex feels like he can lean on Clark, he feels like Clark would keep him safe. He’s felt that ever since Clark saved his life six years ago, by the bridge. He doesn’t remember dying, but he remembers being brought back to life. He remembers thinking Clark was beautiful. But he remembers all the lies too. He doesn’t want Clark to lie to him again, he doesn’t want to feel that betrayal over and over.

“You know I’m here for you, right?” Honest green eyes trying to read his mind. “I’m not going to leave you again. I promise.”

“I know.” But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. What is the worth of a promise if you’re not sure that it will never be broken? How does he know Clark won’t leave him again? Lex knows that he is far from perfect, he’ll mess up eventually, they both will, like last time. And last time, Clark left him and it _hurt._ It’ll hurt even more now that he knows what it’s like for Clark to hold him, to kiss him.

He’s not letting go of that. He’s not letting go of _Clark_. Not ever. He finally _has_ him, and he’ll never let him go again. No matter the cost, he will keep Clark by his side. He _needs_ him. He’s being selfish, but he doesn’t care. Why should he? Selfishness has never bothered him before.

_Even if you have to kill anyone who tries to take him from you._

No, no, that would hurt Clark. He doesn’t want Clark to hurt. But Lex doesn’t want to hurt either.

_I’m here to help you, Lex._

Lex shakes his head, turning his attention back to his friend.

“How do I know that’s a promise you’ll keep?” Clark looks startled for a moment, and a little hurt. But it’s quickly masked.

“I…you don’t.” He sighs, leaning in a little closer to Lex, close enough for him to feel Clark’s breath. “I don’t know how to get you to trust me again.” Lex closes his eyes, not focusing on Clark’s words, but Clark himself. The way he’s gripping Lex’s sides, like he’s scared Lex will bolt, just a little too tight, but not enough to hurt. Protective. He could tell Clark was angry when he woke up in the hospital. He knows that what he did upset Clark greatly.

_He’s faking._

No, Clark cares about him. He wouldn’t fake that.

_He’s lying. He’s done it before. Clark will always lie to you._

Clark is worried about him.

_I would never lie._

But Clark doesn’t _love_ him. Clark could never love him. He’s _worthless_. How could Clark love someone as disgusting as _him_?

But he’s still to selfish to let him go. He needs to hang on to Clark, even if their relationship is built on nothing but lies and deceit. Maybe this time it’ll work. One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Lex was never sane when it came it Clark anyway.

“Promise you won’t ever lie to me again.” He wants to hear Clark say it, even if it isn’t true. He still wants to be able to pretend, to live in the illusion.

“Only if you promise not to lie to me.” Clark sounds a little sad, almost like he knows they’ll just end up hurting each other. They always do. Why change the pattern now?

“I promise.”

“It’s settled then,” Pink lips brushing against Lex’s, not quite touching yet. “no more secrets.”

“No more secrets.”

_Lies._

 

________

 

“I want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing in that lab.” The day had been awkward. Most of it consisted of Clark trying to convince Lex to just _rest_ , and not worry about work. He can tell that Clark is still upset about last night. Lex had begun to feel indifferent about it as the day went on, numb.

“I told you what I was doing.” They’re in Lex’s sitting room, the TV on, but neither really paying much mind to it, both too caught up in their own thoughts.

“No--you explained that you don’t have a hundred dead bodies stuffed in a room down there, you never told me what you were doing with them.” He knows that Clark isn’t going to like what he has to say, so he’d rather not say anything at all. Just like old times, right?

“Some things, you just don’t need to know, Clark.”

“You mean I’m not going to like it.” He didn’t respond to that. Clark knew he was right. Sometimes it was like he could read Lex’s thoughts, and that was something that terrified Lex. “Lex, please. We said no more lies.”

“And I’m not lying to you, I’m just simply not telling you.” He reasons.

“Secrecy is a form of lying.” Clark huffs, obviously annoyed.

“You talk like you didn’t lie to me for years.”

“Don’t try to change the subject, whatever you’re doing down there must be pretty damn bad.”

“I’m not trying to change the subject, I’m trying to defend myself!” Lex lifts himself up, standing in front of Clark to see him better. He _hates_ fighting with Clark. “You always act like you’re this saint who never did anything wrong and I’m the only asshole who lied!”

“That’s not true! I already owned up to my mistakes, I already apologized! You’re the one who’s _still_ keeping secrets!”

“You want to know what I’m doing? Fine! I’m studying the meteor-infected people so I can research the effects they have on humans, if _I_ could create someone extraordinary.” Clark looks taken aback, like Lex said he was plotting to kill the president.

“You—what?! Lex, you can’t _do_ that!”

“Why not?”

“Because it could be dangerous! You have no idea what those rocks can do!”

“Well maybe I would if you had told me truth earlier!” Clark glares at him, standing up and towering over Lex.

“We’ve been _over_ this! I was trying to protect you!”

“No, you were trying to protect yourself!”

“And that’s so bad?!”

“You should have had faith that I would _never_ hurt you!” Lex yells back, exasperated.

“Have faith in the man who was _stalking_ me?! Who put Lana and my parents in danger because he couldn’t let things go?”

“I wasn’t stalking you, I was trying to understand! And I _told_ you, I did _not_ mean to put them in danger, I made a mistake.”

“No, Lex, you just couldn’t keep your _obsession_ under control! After so many mistakes, you’d think you’d _learn_ from some of them.” Lex clenches his jaw, looking up at the anger in Clark’s eyes. Clark just doesn’t _get_ it. He doesn’t get what it’s like to have everyone you trust _lie_ and lie and lie. To have _everyone_ turn on you.  Clark won’t ever get it because he’s _perfect_ , and _everyone_ loves him.

_And you couldn’t even get Daddy to love you._

Lex brings a hand to his head, rubbing his temples, before turning his back to Clark and walking towards the door.

“Where are you going?”

“To get a drink.” He knows that Clark doesn’t like his drinking, and he also knows that Clark’s going to try to stop him. But Lex needs a drink. He needs to forget. Clark has _no right_ to yell at him for this. This is Lex’s experiment, it’s not hurting anyone.

He’s actually a little surprised when he reaches his study, and Clark didn’t follow to stop him. Maybe if he pushes hard enough Clark will stop caring and leave him altogether. He pours himself a glass, downing it and enjoying the feel of the burn.

_Clark hates you._

Another glass.

_He always has._

A third.

_You’re a bad man, Lex._

He hears a sob echo throughout the room, taking a moment to realize it came from his own mouth.

_How could anyone love you?_

Not even his wife loved him, she was only after his money. It’s been a while since he’s thought about Helen, he actually tried to forget that incident ever happened. Tried to forget the feeling of helplessness. How he was so afraid that he’d never see Clark again. Of course, all the doctors believe that he’s suffering from emotional trauma _still_. Psychotic-break-his-ass. There isn’t anything wrong with him. Lex is strong, not weak. He can’t ever be weak.

_Don’t lie to yourself._

He doesn’t even realize he’s been crying until he sees the tears falling onto the bar. He’s cried more times this week than he has since he was a child. He’s so _pathetic_. He can’t even argue with Clark without breaking down. He just…he’s so afraid he’s going to lose him again. Lex always comes back to that thought, no matter what. ‘What if I lose him?’

He doesn’t hear Clark slowly enter the room, he doesn’t even know Clark followed him until he feels strong arms wrap around his waist and pull him against a warm body. Lex feels his heart start to beat just a little bit faster, not out anger or frustration, but just because Clark is touching him. Lex can’t help leaning back into him, his head a little fuzzy from the drinks.

“I’m sorry.” Clark says into his neck. He takes the empty tumbler from Lex’s hand, setting it back on the bar. Lex feels so _fucking_ weak.

“I don’t _need_ you.” He pushes away from Clark, taking a step forward and turning to face him. “I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m _fine_ , Clark.”

“No you aren’t!” He’s upsetting Clark, but he doesn’t care. Clark tries to move closer to him, but with every step Clark takes forward, Lex takes a step back, not letting Clark anywhere near him. “You are not _fine_ , Lex! You almost died last night!” Lex rolls his eyes, huffing and crossing his arms against his chest.

“We’ve been over this.”

“Yeah, and I’m still _pissed_ at you!”

“Why do you even _care_ , Clark?” That seemed to shut him up. “If this happened several weeks ago, you’d be having a party! You’d be _glad_ that I was finally ‘paying for my crimes’!”

“No, I wouldn’t!” Clark pleaded, he sounds desperate. “Regardless of what you might think, Lex, I have _always_ cared about you!”

_Lies_

“Yeah, you _cared_ so much when you left! When you just gave up on me!” Lex yells, pointing a finger to his own chest. “You _left_!”

_And one day, he’ll leave again. He’ll always leave you._

“I came back!” Lex thinks he sees tears swimming in Clark’s eyes, but he chooses to ignore them.

“For how long? Until I just mess up again and you don’t want to deal with it? Unlike you, Clark, I’m human, and humans make mistakes! Everyone can’t be perfect like _you_. Because if you think that’s how it’s going to be, you’ll be disappointed in a _lot_ of people.”

“I’m not perfect, Lex.”

“Well you sure act like it!” Arguing like this is childish, but Lex can’t seem to stop. Clark is so fucking _righteous._ Like everyone has to be like him, be perfect. It’s like he’s always surprised when a human does something that doesn’t agree with his own personal morals. When will Clark realize that he can’t fix everyone? That he can’t eliminate all of the evil in the world? It just doesn’t work that way.

“Stop blaming everything on me!” Clark shouts, backing Lex against the wall and towering over him. Lex has rarely been frightened by Clark, but in the moment, looking past his own anger, he remembers just how _powerful_ Clark is. How if he wanted, he could snap Lex in half like a twig. He could burn a hole in Lex’s skull with his _eyes._ Clark is always so gentle…but only because he chooses to be. If Lex got Clark mad, _really_ mad, would Clark hurt him? Kill him even? Sometimes when you’re angry, you don’t think rationally. You impulsively make bad decisions without thinking them through.

“You never had faith in me.” Lex finally says, lowering his voice considerably. “There was a time when I would have done _anything_ for you, for your approval, your _love_. I tried so hard, to be good, someone you could admire, like I admire you.” He’s struggling to keep his voice steady, the words wavering here and there. He knows Clark heard it, he wouldn’t miss something like that. “I just wanted to be good enough for you! I was never though, was I? Just like I was never good enough for Daddy! All I ever wanted was for someone to love me.”

Lex didn’t mean to let that last detail slip, but it’s too late now. No more lies, no more secrets. Clark might as well know just how pathetic he is.

_No matter what you do, you will never be worthy of him._

Lex can feel the tears well up in his eyes again, and he tries to blink them away, tries to be strong, but he feels one rolling down his left cheek anyways. Why can’t he be _good enough_ for Clark? _Why_?

He doesn’t look away from Clark, and Clark doesn’t look away from him. Clark feels bad for saying and doing the things he did, Lex can tell. Once you get to know Clark, you can read his face like an open book. Clark doesn’t know how to hide his emotions, how to keep secrets. It’s ironic, really, the man that has the biggest, and most dangerous secret, is the worst liar in the world.

When Clark moves, Lex thinks it’s because they’re going to start going at it again, so he tries to back away, only to remember that he’s pinned against a wall. But Clark doesn’t say anything, he just closes his eyes and leans in real close, tilting his head and nudging his nose against Lex’s cheek, before fitting their mouths together.

Lex doesn’t think he’ll ever tire from kissing Clark, it just feels so _right_. He brings his bandaged hands up to rest on Clark’s shoulders, feeling the hard muscle underneath his fingertips, his cuts and scrapes screaming at the touch. One of Clark’s hands is cradling the right side of his head, while the other rests on his hip. He was scared of Clark moments earlier, and now he couldn’t feel safer. He pushes Clark’s mouth open with his own, feeling the wet heat. Clark has always been so warm, but a different kind of warm. It’s not typical body heat. When Lex touches him, it’s like that feeling you get when you’re standing in the sunshine on a brisk day. It’s calming.

The kiss is slow, gentle, like Clark is trying to tell Lex that everything is going to be okay, that he’s sorry. Lex pulls Clark closer to him, pressing their bodies together. There was a time when Lex thought he’d never be able to kiss Clark, to be so close to him.

Clark pulls away from his mouth, moving down to his neck, leaving a trail of kisses there. Lex leans his head back against the wall, trying not push his hips forward. It was a bold move on Clark’s part, Lex didn’t think he had that in him. He feels Clark move the collar of his shirt aside so he can move down to Lex’s collarbone, Lex bites his lip, trying not to make any embarrassing sounds while Clark is sucking hickeys on his neck. It’s been too long since he’s made out with someone like this, way too long. And he knows it’s been even longer for Clark. He can’t quite help the roll of his hips, seeking friction, or the involuntary moan that escapes his mouth, but Clark seems happy to reciprocate the movements.

Lex isn’t sure why, but he suddenly pushes Clark off of him, his mouth making a popping noise as it leaves Lex’s neck. He closes his eyes, trying to even his breathing and ignore the bulge in his pants. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have sex with Clark, because he does. He’s wanted to since Clark was jailbait. But something’s screaming at him to not go too far, not tonight. Lex isn’t usually the kind of person that wants to wait for sex, in fact, most of his relationships were nothing _but_ sex. But he knows Clark isn’t someone who likes to rush things. Clark is sweet, and caring. And he doesn’t want Clark to regret anything and leave him so soon.

Lex opens his eyes, staring up at the man in front of him. He moves his hands from Clark’s shoulders to wrap around his neck, bringing him closer again. He tilts his head, needing to kiss Clark, but keeping it innocent this time. Clarks makes a needy sound into Lex’s mouth and Lex pushes them both off the wall, guiding Clark backwards and through the door. He leads them up to the bathroom, slowly. He’s not going to fuck Clark tonight, but he wants to _be_ with him. Even if it isn’t sexual. He closes the bathroom door behind them, leaning up against it and letting Clark pin him again.  

Clark’s nimble fingers undo the buttons on Lex’s shirt, he’s a little clumsy, but Lex would bet he’s never done _this_ before. He’s taking his time, pausing ever now and then to kiss Lex’s torso, his lips going a little bit lower each time. When he’s finished with the last one, he slides the shirt off Lex’s shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. Normally, Lex would feel the need to instantly pick it up and fold it, but Clark’s lips have him preoccupied at the moment. He removes Clark’s shirt a lot more swiftly, not wanting to wait much longer.

After they’ve removed their pants, Clark takes Lex’s hands into his, looking at the bandages. Lex knows he shouldn’t shower with them on, but he doesn’t want Clark to see the unhealed scars. He knows it was bad, considering the amount of blood he had to clean from the floor. And he knows that Clark saw it all when he was unconscious. He feels bad that Clark had to find him like that…he really didn’t mean for any of it to happen.

_But you deserved it._

Lex shakes his head, looking down at Clark’s fingers gently unwrapping the bandages. _Not now_. He thinks. _Just let me enjoy this_. The insides of his bandages are stained red, he doesn’t like looking at it so he turns his head away, focusing on Clark, how he feels, how he’s pressing kisses to Lex’s now bare wrist. He closes his eyes, feeling Clark move away from his arm and lean in close, his breath in Lex’s ear.

He moves them backwards gracefully, stepping into the shower and turning the knob. The sudden burst of water is cold at first, but it quickly warms, the heat seeping into Lex’s bones. He looks up at Clark, at the water droplets clinging to his eyelashes, glittering like diamonds with every blink.

Lex brings a scarred hand up to run through Clark’s wet hair, Clark leaning into the touch and setting his hands on Lex’s hips. Their eyes meet, blue staring into green. Lex has always been stunned by Clark’s eyes, the way they always seem to change colors. How when he looks close enough, he can almost see into Clark’s mind. He can see all of Clark’s kindness and gentleness in them.

_Daddy used to love your eyes._

He did, didn’t he? Well, Daddy’s gone now, Lex thinks, too tired to fight, or argue, or _remember_. He wants to stay in the present, with Clark. Where it’s safe. Where Daddy can’t hurt him anymore. Clark will keep him safe. He always has and he always will. Lex has complete faith in him. He knows he probably shouldn’t, Clark Kent will always have his lies and secrets. But Lex loves him, and he knows that even if Clark’s a filthy liar, he will always be there for Lex.

_Until he tires of you. Then he’ll just throw you away. Like **trash**._

No, Lex thinks as Clark runs his hand up Lex’s side to touch his face. No, he doesn’t _ever_ want Clark to leave him. He inches closer to Clark, resting his cheek on a muscled shoulder and watching the water fall down around them. Safe, he thinks. _I feel safe_.

 

**********

 

Clark can tell when _He_ is talking to Lex. He knows Lex thinks he’s hiding it, but whenever _He_ starts talking, Lex gets this _look_ on his face. Like that look a small child would get when told their dog just died. His eyes get all glassy and that worried crease between his brows deepens. He just looks so _sad_ , and Clark doesn’t know what to do to help. He doesn’t know how to take _Him_ away and he’s terrified of what will happen if he doesn’t. Clark knows that there isn’t even a point in _suggesting_ Lex go to the hospital about it. Lex made his opinions on psychiatrists _very_ clear yesterday.

Yesterday. Yesterday was…emotional. Clark is still unsure if it was a wise decision to kiss Lex. Among…other things. And…it felt so good to be so close to his best friend. To Lex. But he’s afraid of what the future will bring because of it. God, he’s going to have to tell his _mom_ about the fact that he and Lex are more or less ‘together’. He knows he can’t just keep it from her, no matter how uncomfortable he knows that conversation will be. He and Lex didn’t… _do_ anything, but they came close. And Clark could tell that Lex wanted to. For a few moments, when they were in the shower, it was almost like they were a normal couple. Lex had smiled like…like everything was perfect. Though, Clark and Lex are really anything _but_ normal. A confused alien and a suicidal billionaire. What a pair they make. Clark almost chuckles out loud before he realizes that that would wake Lex up. He doesn’t want Lex to wake up just yet. If Lex wakes up, _He_ will start blabbering on again and make Lex sad. He doesn’t want Lex to be sad.

He looks down at Lex, wishing he could find a way to make him truly happy. Give him a better childhood, a better father. But even Clark knows that that isn’t possible. He knows that Lex will stay messed up from whatever happened in his past. Whatever the hell Lionel did to him, he deserves to be dead. No, Clark shakes his head. The movement very faint. No matter what a person does, they do not deserve to die, he tells himself for what feels like the hundredth time.

What Lex did was wrong, Lionel did not deserve to be murdered. But why does it feel like he did? Is Lex’s poisonous way of thinking rubbing off on Clark? Lex _murdered_ Lionel, yet, Clark is still willing to sleep with him. He’s willing to kiss someone who has done so much evil, to _touch_ him. Lex has done so many bad things, and Clark knows that he’ll never be able to _stop_ , but, all he can feel is the need to _protect_ Lex, to keep him safe. He runs a thumb over the fresh bandages on Lex’s left arm. He’s afraid to leave Lex alone. It’s this overwhelming fear that, if he does, he’ll find Lex in another pool of blood. That he’ll be too late.

He feels Lex start to stir, so he presses his lips to Lex’s temple. Clark wishes they could just stay like this forever. He knows that once Lex wakes up, it’ll start all over again. The arguments, the hatred, the worrying, the making up, and then the apologizing. It’s a cycle with them, and it’s frustrating. He hates it, but if he leaves, Lex will die. He’s sure of it. And Clark isn’t willing to let that happen. He’s not going to let Lex die…Lex _needs_ him.

Clark carefully pushes Lex off of him, lifting he blankets and sitting at the edge of the bed, head in his hands. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers, not that anything happened last night after the shower. They came up to Lex’s room, not bothering with too many clothes and just…held each other. Clark feels like it’s been too long since he’s had a calm moment like that. Ever since the tunnels, everything’s been tense with everyone. It’s not the first time he’s yearned for a normal life, and it won’t be the last, but it’s been a while since he’s felt it so strongly. He doesn’t realize he’s zoned out until he feels Lex touch his arm, looking over at him worriedly.

“Clark? You here?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Clark raises a hand to Lex’s cheek, wanting to touch. “just got a little lost in thought.” Lex looks a little hesitant.

“Good thoughts, I hope?” He leans into Clark’s hand, still looking up at him. He must be worried that Clark has regrets. Regrets of last night. Regrets of him.

“Mostly.” Clark replies, leaning forward to plant a kiss on Lex’s forehead, on the crease between his brows. He doesn’t want Lex to worry, and he doesn’t want _Him_ to worry Lex. Clark’s not going to leave this time. Of course, Lex doesn’t believe that though. And Clark’s knows that’s his own fault. Even if he wanted to leave, he couldn’t. Lex _loves_ him. He’d break his heart. And that voice in his head would convince him that suicide is the only logical way to deal with the pain. He can’t do that to Lex, he won’t.

It’s too early in the morning for Lex to put up his mental walls yet, to hide the emotions swimming in his eyes. Clark could get used to this, waking up in the morning next to Lex, having him look up at Clark like he’s _everything_. He seems so happy. Clark wishes he could make him feel like this all the time.

 

**********

 

Clark hasn’t left his side all day. At first, it was endearing that Clark was so worried about him, but after a while, it started to get on Lex’s nerves. Clark won’t let him work. At _all_. He says Lex needs time to “recover”. Bullshit. Its _torture_ to make Lex rest. What if the company is in peril and Lex is the only one who can fix it? Lex doesn’t need this much time to recover, barely anything happened to him. So what if he almost bled out? It’s definitely not the first time _that_ has happened.

It’s different this time, though. This time Lex did it to himself. He knows that’s what’s really eating at Clark. The fact that it was “attempted suicide”. He just got a little carried away, he wasn’t _trying_ to kill himself. Lex doesn’t want to die. He just wants the voice to stop. But what if it never stops? Lex doesn’t think he can live with his father’s judgmental voice bouncing around his skull every day for the rest of his life.

Clark must know that, too. That’s why he’s worried. Clark has always been good at reading Lex. Better than anyone else. Well, except Daddy. Daddy could always read him. It was scary, the way he would tell Lex exactly what he was feeling before Lex knew it himself. How it was always pinpoint accurate.

_Daddy always knew what was best for you._

No, he didn’t. He didn’t care about Lex. Never did. He always saw Clark as more of a son than Lex. Perfect Clark.

_Why did you kill Daddy, Lex?_

Because he could have hurt Clark. He _would_ have.

_Daddy wouldn’t hurt Clark, Clark was like his **son**._

He hurt me. So much.

_You just couldn’t stand by and love Clark more than you, could you? You couldn’t stand not being the favorite. Watching Daddy treat Clark like you always dreamed he’s treat you._

Perfect Clark.

_You’ll never be perfect. Not like him. That’s why Daddy could never love you._

“Lex.”

_That’s why you killed him._

“Lex…”

_And that’s why you need to kill yourself._

“Lex!”

He blinks back to reality, confused. Worry and fear etched into Clark’s face. Was he calling Lex? Why does he look so upset?

“Are you okay?” Clark asks cautiously, reaching a hand out to Lex. Why is Clark acting so strangely? Why wouldn’t Lex be okay? He shoots a puzzled look in Clark’s direction, wanting to understand the situation. He takes in his surroundings, noticing that he’s in a different room than before. When did they move into Lex’s study? Clark’s eyes dart toward Lex’s hands, like there’s something there. Lex follows his gaze to find that he’s gripping a pistol, tightly. He doesn’t remember picking it up. He turns it over in his hand, his knuckles white.

“Lex.” Clark’s voice breaks through his thoughts again. He looks up, meeting his friend’s concerned eyes. “Can you put that down? Please?” He says, adding the ‘please’ like an afterthought. Lex looks down at the gun again, loosening his grip and running his thumb over the smooth surface. He turns, placing it on his desk. The sound of the metal hitting the glass echoes through the silent room. He turns back to Clark, seeing relief wash over his face. Lex gets the feeling that something bad happened. But what? Why can’t he remember?

_You were so close to being free, Lex._

Free? He wasn’t going to…he wouldn’t. Lex _wouldn’t_. But that look on Clark’s face, and the gun, they tell a different story. He was going to. He was going to kill himself and he doesn’t even remember. Had Clark been there the whole time? Trying to coax him out of it? Clark may be fast, but speed only gets you so far when the barrel of the gun is pressed to someone’s skull. He feels Clark grab his hand, but everything seems…hazy, and muffled. Like they’re underwater. Clark pulls him into a tight embrace, maybe too tight. Lex can tell he’s terrified.

“Clark?” His voice doesn’t sound anything like his own. Almost childlike, small.

“I thought…” Clark trails off, seemingly unable to finish the thought. How helpless Clark must have felt. Lex can’t imagine how he would feel if _Clark_ was on the brink of suicide. He would probably fall apart. He’s not like Clark, he wouldn’t be able to be strong for the both of them. And even as amazing Clark is, Lex can see him struggling to hold on.

“I’m so sorry.” He balls his fists into the back of Clark’s blue T-shirt. “I wasn’t…I don’t remember…”

“I could tell _He_ was talking to you. I could tell you weren’t really ‘here’.” Clark pulls away a little to look at Lex. He slides his hands up to cup Lex’s face, protective.

“I don’t want to die.” Lex admits. Clark looks hesitant for a moment, worrying his bottom lip before he answers.

“I know what you said,” He starts. “and I know how you feel about this…but I think you need to see a doctor.” A doctor? Doctors do nothing but _lie_. Clark knows he can’t stand them. How could he suggest something like this? He pushes Clark away, taking a step back. He feels the edge of his desk hit the backs of his thighs.

“I’m not seeing a doctor.” Clark lets out a breath, he looks desperate.

“What if this gets worse? What if _He_ doesn’t ever go away?”

“Then I’ll deal with it. I can take care of myself, Clark.” Clark pauses, looking at all wide-eyed.

“Take care of yourself?” He steps forward, reaching behind Lex and taking the gun, waving it in front of Lex’s face. “You call _this_ taking care of yourself?” He tosses it to the floor, the gun clattering against the wood. He takes hold of Lex’s left wrist, yanking it up for Lex to see. “What about _this_?” He lets go, letting Lex’s arm drop. “You’ve almost _died_ twice in the past _three days_!” Clark’s eyebrows draw together, his eyes filling up with tears. But Lex only focuses on Clark’s words. How Clark is making his sound so fucking _weak_.

_Nobody could love someone as weak as you._

“I don’t need you to baby me, Clark.” He feels like they had this argument yesterday. “I’m _fine.”_

“No, you aren’t!” Clark yells, almost hysterical. “You keep saying that you’re fine and that you don’t need me and that you don’t need _help_ , but you _do_. You _do_ need help because I can see you falling apart right in front of me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to catch all the pieces in time before you’re _gone_.” Lex tries not to gape at Clark, unable to find any more words to throw back at him. He doesn’t know what to do and he doesn’t know what to say because he knows that Clark is right. Lex is falling apart and he’s too afraid, and too prideful to ask for any help.

_You’ll seem so weak._

He doesn’t want to be weak. Daddy tried so hard to force him to be strong and perfect. But then he found Clark, didn’t he? No one can compare to Clark.

“I don’t want to be weak.” He blurts out, unable to look at Clark. “I’m _not_ weak. I don’t want you to see me as helpless, I just want to be good enough for you.” Clark’s gaze softens, turning sad. He takes a step closer, grabbing Lex’s chin and running his thumb over Lex’s bottom lip. Lex closes his eyes, taking in the feeling of Clark before their lips meet, gently, like Clark’s afraid if he presses any harder, Lex will break. Maybe he is, Clark could easily break him. He wonders if Clark thinks about those things often, if he’s always scared.

They kiss stays innocent, slow and sweet. Lex is overcome with this overwhelming sensation of _love_. He loves Clark. He wishes Clark would love him back.

_You know you’re not good enough for him._

He tries to push _Him_ from his head, tries to ignore it. But he can’t help dwelling on the words. He deepens the kiss, forcing Clark’s mouth to open. Trying to get lost in him. Clark’s moves his hands from Lex’s face to the back of his neck, holding him in place. Lex runs his hands up Clark’s body, stopping at his chest and twisting his hands in the fabric there. His hands sting at the movement, but the pain is bearable. It gets more bearable as time goes on.

Clark suddenly pulls away, breathless, but he stays close. He moves his thumbs over the skin of Lex’s neck, right under his ears. He looks dazed, his lips red and a little swollen. It makes Lex feel good that he did this to Clark. Clark closes his eyes, bringing their foreheads together.

“I think you’re good enough for me.” Clark says, breaking the silence. “Don’t listen to _Him_ , all he does is lie.” Lex sighs, taking in the details of Clark’s face, how there doesn’t seem to be a single flaw. It’s like he was carved from stone. How can somebody be so beautiful?

“You lied. For years all _you_ would do is lie.” Clark opens his eyes and pulls away a little, looking hurt. And guilty. “My father would lie to me, my friends would lie to me and you…you _always_ lied. You let me think I was going insane. You let me think I could _never_ be the man you wanted me to be. You _hurt_ me, Clark. Over and over again until I didn’t know who to trust anymore. I couldn’t trust my best friend, and I couldn’t trust my father, so why would anyone else be different?”

“I promised not to lie anymore.”

“How do I know _that_ isn’t a lie? Your promises don’t mean shit anymore, Clark.” Lex says softly. Clark chews at his bottom lip, eyes swimming with emotion.

“It’s not a lie.” He says simply, his eyes locked onto Lex’s. Lex glares back, trying not to get lost in his apologetic gaze. He wants to trust Clark so much.

“Do you love me?” Clark looks taken aback, him mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water before he closes it and swallows, looking immensely sad all of the sudden.

“No.” He says, finally. “I don’t love you.” Lex nods, biting the inside of his cheek. It’s what he expected, but it still hurts like hell. Clark could never love someone like him, he should be glad Clark’s here at all. If he wasn’t, Lex would probably be dead already. He would never admit that to Clark, though. He pushes Clark away from him, fully, and shifts his gaze back to the floor.

“I know.” Clark grabs his hand, squeezing it a little.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Clark sounds a little desperate, his voice thick, like he’s holding back tears. Lex nods again, it feels robotic.

“I know.” He says again. He squeezes Clark’s hand back, hearing his sigh in return. He knows Clark cares for him. It’s obvious, anyone could see it if they looked close enough. But Clark doesn’t _love_ him.

 

**********

 

Clark doesn’t know what to do. If anything, he’s even more lost than before. How is he supposed to protect Lex if Lex freaks out every time he brings it up? Clark really thought he was going to lose him for a moment, that Lex was going to go through with it. They had been in Lex’s bedroom, not really doing anything when Lex started muttering to himself. Clark had asked what was wrong and Lex just shrugged him off, like he didn’t even notice Clark’s presence and left the room. He went straight for the study and immediately picked up the gun, pacing back and forth with the barrel pressed against his forehead.

Clark had pleaded and begged Lex to just put it down for what felt like forever until Lex came to his senses. Clark was so scared…what if it happens again? He looks into Lex’s sad eyes, wishing that he wasn’t the cause of some of that pain. But he promised not to lie to Lex again. Ever. And Clark plans to keep that promise.

He takes a deep breath, letting go of Lex’s hand. He decides that he needs a few moments to himself, he needs a break from yelling and arguments. Lex presses his lips together, refusing to look at Clark before he turns, making his way behind his desk and sitting down. Clark watches him run a hand down his face before he opens his computer. Clark opens his mouth to object, but thinks better of it. Better to just let Lex work than start up another argument. He turns around, pausing to pick up the pistol from the ground and shoving it into his pants before walking out of the room, only to come face-to-face with a very angry looking Chloe.

He gapes at her for a moment, then she grabs his wrist and pulls him away, into a somewhat empty room that Lex must use for storage. So many rooms in the mansion, Clark wonders if Lex ever gets lonely in here.

“What the _hell_?” Are the first words out of Chloe’s mouth once the door is shut. She looks shocked, and mad. When did she get here? Why did the guards let her in? Knowing Chloe, she probably found a way to break in undetected. “You have some _serious_ explaining to do, Clark.”

“How much did you hear?” He asks nervously. She may not have seen _everything_.

“Well I heard screaming and arrived at the door somewhere around ‘I’m not seeing a doctor, I can take care of myself’.” She crosses her arms, looking up at Clark expectantly. He had wanted to wait a while before telling her. Or anybody. He doesn’t really want it to be common knowledge that he’s in a relationship with Lex Luthor. But the way she’s looking at him, he doesn’t have a choice.

“Please just…listen to me first, okay?” He asks, knowing it’s a long shot. Chloe just raises her eyebrows. Clark sighs, deciding that the beginning is as good a place to start as any. “We were down in the tunnels. We both thought that we were going to die, I was hurt, and there wasn’t time to go back and look for a new exit. We started talking, which turned into yelling, which turned into fighting, which turned into…kissing.”

“Kissing.” Chloe repeats, annoyance and disbelief written all over her face. “Okay. And what’s with psycho-suicidal Lex?” Clark swallows, trying not to think about the events of twenty minutes ago. He tries not to be mad at the blunt way she puts it. To her, Lex is a power-hungry sociopath who’ll do anything to get what he wants. There were times when Clark thought that about him, too.

“That’s not my place to tell.”

“Is it from the guilt of murdering his father?”

“Chloe!”

“How can you _kiss_ that man, Clark?! He’s disgusting!”

“He’s just lost! I _care_ about him, Chloe.” He remembers the times Lex has put her in danger, all the things he’s done. How she must _hate_ him for everything.

“He’s _sick_ , Clark! He doesn’t love you, he’s _obsessed_ with you! With your ‘secret’.” She’s right about some things, but not everything. She doesn’t have the full story, all the facts. She’s just making accusations. But Clark knows that Lex loves him. He can feel it, he can see it in Lex’s eyes. Lex may be obsessed, but Clark wouldn’t doubt Lex’s love for him in a second. “You need to get out of here.” She grabs his hand, making for the door, but Clark doesn’t budge.

“No.” He says. “I’m not leaving him.” Chloe turns her head around, looking at Clark in disbelief.

“What? Clark, Lex has _abused_ you for years!”

“And I promised I wouldn’t leave him again!” Chloe falls silent, staring at Clark like she doesn’t know him anymore, like he’s a different person. Maybe he is. Maybe the past few days have changed him, but Clark doesn’t care. “I’m not leaving him. I don’t think I could go through that again.” Clark thinks back to when their friendship was officially ‘over’. How much it hurt every time Clark would see him in town. Chloe takes a deep breath, looking down at her shoes and shoving her hands into her coat pockets.

“Whatever you and Lex are…whatever you’ve become, it isn’t healthy. It’s destructive and I really think that you’re going end up really hurt.” She brings her gaze back up to Clark, meeting his eyes. Chloe’s looks have always help so much emotion. “You know I just care about you, right?” Clark smiles placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I know. And I always appreciate it, but this is complicated and different, and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. I know what I’m doing.” Chloe doesn’t look convinced, but she nods anyway. He can tell that she wants to trust him, believe in him, but is struggling because of her own thoughts and opinions. Clark is grateful for a friend like Chloe, she’s always there when he needs her.

“I should uh, I should probably get going. Sorry.” She tucks a strand of golden hair behind her ear, looking over at the closed door.

“I think I’ll be alright, Chloe. You don’t have to worry about me.” She lets out a nervous laugh, walking over and twisting the handle.

“I think I’ll always worry, Clark. Someone needs to look after you.” She pauses, looking over her shoulder. “I, um…I hope you know what you’re doing. Because if you don’t, he’s just going to leave you brokenhearted.” And she’s gone. Clark sign, leaning against the doorframe. When did his life become such a complicated mess? Clark supposes it’s always been complicated, but…not like this. It’s like he’s on a whole new level and it’s terrifying. Clark feels so lost, unsure of what the right thing to do is.

He needs to take care of Lex, he knows that. But there’s still this inkling in the back of his mind that keeps screaming ‘this is wrong’. But Clark doesn’t want to listen. All he wants to keep Lex safe, to not make the same mistake twice. He couldn’t save him the first time, so he _needs_ to save him now. Clark doesn’t think he could handle it if he lost Lex. Even if there was a long time where they were, what some people would call, ‘enemies’, Lex has been around a long time. It’s hard for Clark to really remember his life without Lex. He’s played such a big part in Clark’s life, it almost feels like he’s always been there.

He walks back over to Lex’s study, peeking in from the hallway, but not entering. Lex is typing away on his computer, glad to finally have it back. Clark smiles to himself, thinking about all the times he had to pry Lex away from work just so he could talk to him. It wasn’t much of a struggle, usually. Lex liked to just drop everything when Clark was around. Like Clark was the most important thing. He sees Lex glance up from his screen, meeting his eyes and giving him a small smile. Maybe it’ll be okay. Maybe _they’ll_ be okay.

 

__________

 

“I don’t need your help with this.” They’re in Lex’s bathroom, Clark re-dressing Lex’s bandages. Lex had said that he was fine, that he could do it himself, but Clark insisted. He knows that Lex despises being taken care of, he always wants to do things himself. It’s because Lex’s father conditioned him to think that needing help is a weakness. Clark needs to show him that it’s not, that he can let Clark in.

“I know.” Clark replies, closing the gauze kit and setting it back in the cabinet. “But I want to help, I want to be there for you.” Clark looks at his reflection in the mirror, taking in how tired and worn-down he looks. He’s been so worried about Lex, he’s forgotten to take care of himself.

“Besides,” He turns, meeting Lex’s eyes. “I get to spend more time with you.” Lex’s grin is rewarding. Clark always feels good when he can make Lex smile like that. Lex’s smile, his genuine one, is a rare thing, even back when they were friends. Clark would always be trying to get it out of him, he loved Lex’s smile. It’s always made him feel warm inside, like Lana’s used to. Clark isn’t sure why he never noticed it before, how he feels about Lex. Maybe he subconsciously didn’t want to, maybe he was too afraid. Clark can’t really recall ever being attracted to another man before, or at least he’s never noticed it. But then again, Lex has always been special, the exception.

Lex looks down at his fresh bandages, sadness seeping onto his face again. Clark knows that Lex feels guilty about what happened, that Clark had to find him like that. And that morning hadn’t helped. Clark doesn’t think that Lex is ever going to see a doctor about this, and he’s not about to force him. Lex has had enough traumatic experiences in his life without adding that to the mix. He’d never trust Clark again, and in turn, never get better.

“Hey.” He waits for Lex to look up before leaning down and kissing him softly. He feels Lex press back, bringing his hands up to Clark’s chest. Clark lets himself kiss Lex a little longer, enjoying the feeling of their lips pressed together, like they were made for each other, before pulling away. Things got pretty far last night, and Clark isn’t quite ready for something like that again. He can Lex knows that, too, that he’s holding back.

He runs his thumb over one of Lex’s cheekbones, trailing down to his lips, to the scar there. Clark’s always wondered where he got that scar, when he got it. He brings his gaze back to Lex’s eyes, surprised to find them…open. Like Lex had taken down all his barriers. It’s not very often that Lex lets his emotions show, Clark feels honored. He sees all the sadness, the pain, the wisdom. He sees the love, and the admiration. He thinks back to Ryan. When he said how much Lex admired him. Did Ryan know about Lex’s feelings? It all seems so long ago now, four years. But it feels like a lifetime.

“Lost in thought again?” Clark lets his arm drop, leaning against the sink.

“Yeah.”

“What were you thinking about?” Lex questions, rolling his sleeves back down and wincing when he reached the bandage. It must still hurt.

“You.” He replies simply, eyes still trained on Lex’s hands.

“Good thoughts, I hope?” Lex repeats his words from earlier that morning. Clark looks back into Lex’s eyes, seeing life in them.

“Yeah.” He breathes out. “Good thoughts.”

 

**********

 

Clark has been a lot less clingy the past few days, and Lex is grateful for that. He keeps telling Clark that he needs to go home at some point, but he understands why Clark’s so afraid. Though nothing really bad has happened since the morning with the gun. Lex thinks that he’s getting better, but Clark isn’t convinced. He’s still scared that it’ll happen again.

Lex has tried to be more open with Clark, to let him in. He was scared at first, that Clark would just turn his back and leave him when he heard something he didn’t like. But he hasn’t left.

_Not yet at least._

Lex shakes his head, focusing on the computer screen. It goes without speaking that Clark disapproves of the amount of work Lex is taking on, but he doesn’t argue. Besides, the work usually keeps Lex’s mind off of… _things_. Maybe Clark gets that, even if he doesn’t agree. Clark has been trying to understand Lex’s view on things lately. He hasn’t initiated any arguments recently either. It’s almost like it was back when they were friends. Almost. Everything’s just a little bit sadder now. Lex can feel it in the air. It’ll never be how it was, those times are forever lost to them now. Lex supposes things are meant to change, though. That’s what his father always told him.

_Daddy was a smart man, Lex._

Lex wishes that he could erase that man from his mind. Lionel will never truly be gone, Lex realizes. He’ll always be there, crawling around in his mind, his memories. Lionel will always be controlling him, alive or dead. Lex can never escape him.

_Why would you ever want to? He gave you everything._

Lionel’s voice echoes in his mind. Lex hates it, he hates _him_. He slams his laptop shut, bringing his hands up to rub at his head. He’ll never just _go away_ , will he? Lex pushes himself off the chair, quicker than intended. He hears it thump as the back hits the ground behind him.

Lex hears a quiet knocking coming from the doorway. He looks up to see Clark standing there, eyebrows pulled together in worry. He always worries when _He_ starts talking to Lex. Always worried something bad will happen.

“Lex” Clark takes a step forward, eyeing Lex. “Are you okay?” Clark’s always good at reading when _He’s_ talking. He says that when it happens, Lex’s eyes get all sad and dull.

“Yeah,” Lex sighs, bringing his gaze down to the floor, at his shoes. “I’m alright.”

“You sure?” Clark questions, sounding skeptical.

“I’m sure.” He looks back up, Clark doesn’t seem convinced, but he doesn’t push too hard. Clark sighs, shoving his hands in the front pockets of his jeans as he nears Lex’s desk.

“So…how’s it goin’? Clark questions, glancing at Lex’s computer.

“It’s going fine.”

“Is that why the chair’s flipped over?” Lex glances behind himself, seeing the office chair turned over on its side. He sighs, turning back to Clark. Lex hasn’t brought up Clark’s conversation with Chloe, or even hinted that he knows about it. He once told Clark that seldom goes on in this castle without his knowledge, and that statement still stands. The conversation didn’t seem to have any lasting effect on Clark, though. He’s still here. Lex is grateful for that.

Lex rubs his temples for a moment before looking over at his bar. He needs a drink. He hasn’t had one for several days, thanks to Clark, but he needs one now. He lets his hand fall, walking over and picking up a very expensive bottle of scotch. He remembers his scotch being drugged when he was sent to Bell Reve. He’s wary around brandy now, too. Since his father tried to poison him after he put him in prison. This is a new bottle, though, and Daddy isn’t around to hurt him anymore.

_Because you killed him._

He nods, pouring a glass, the crystal cool in his wounded hand. They took the bandages off his hands the other day, his cuts healed enough. The one on his arm is still there, though, those cuts were a little deeper. Lex hears Clark huff from behind him. If it were up to Clark, there wouldn’t be a drop of alcohol in the mansion. But it isn’t up to Clark. Lex doesn’t have to change his way of living just because Clark doesn’t like it. He feels strong arms wrap around his waist, warm breath in his ear. Lex smiles, hiding it as he brings the tumbler up to his lips.

“I’m still worried.” Clark says, his voice low. Lex swallows, the scotch burning his throat and warming his insides. He places the glass on the bar with a quiet _clink_.

“I’ll be okay, Clark.” Maybe if he says it enough times, Lex will start to believe it himself. Maybe if he believes it, it’ll become reality. Reality’s just an illusion anyways.

“I hope so.” Lex turns in Clark’s arms, wrapping his own around Clark’s back, their faces centimeters apart. He stares up into Clark’s big green eyes. Sometimes, it’s like the sun shines right through them, casting a golden glow. When that happens, you can just tell he’s not human. Lex doesn’t think he minds so much. Human or not, he’s still Clark. Clark hopes he’ll be alright. Lex hopes so, too.

 

**********

 

Lex seems happier. He’s been smiling more, sometimes laughing. He’s almost like he was five years ago, back when they were best friends. Clark knows that Lex had some dark times, even back then. He’s had dark times all his life, and so much of it is Lionel’s fault. But Lex had seemed okay for a little while, then he got stranded on that island. And then he got thrown in Bell Reve and had his brain fried. After that, Lex was never quite the same. That was when they started drifting apart. Looking at Lex had reminded Clark of his failure to save his friend, he couldn’t take being around him all the time. Whatever Lionel did, it changed Lex.

Clark needs to go home soon, it’s been way too long and he knows his mom needs his help. He thinks Lex will be okay if he leaves him alone for a little while. He’ll come back during the nights, too. Clark isn’t sure he’d be able to sleep without Lex next to him, now. He’s gotten used to the feel of Lex pressed against his chest at night. To the sound of his breathing. To waking up in the morning with Lex’s mouth on his.

He scans the mansion, looking for Lex. He’s not in his office, like Clark would have thought, but is instead in the library. It’s good that Lex isn’t working _all_ the time. Clark would probably worry a lot more than he already does if he did. He strides into the library, quietly. Lex is sitting on a chair, one leg crossed over the other and a thick-looking book in hand. He hasn’t seemed to notice Clark’s presence yet. Clark clears his throat, causing Lex too look up at him. Most people would jump, be started out of whatever fantasy world they’re reading about. But not Lex. It’s hard to startle Lex. He closes his book, setting it on the coffee table in front of him.

“Everything alright, Clark?” He questions, placing his elbows on the armrests, his hands pressed together. Clark nods.

“Would you be okay if I went back to the farm today?” Lex almost looks shocked for a moment before he opens his mouth to reply, but Clark cuts him off.

“And yeah, I know. You don’t need me to take care of you and you’re always fine, but.” Clark sighs. “Will you be okay?” Lex looks up at him for a moment, a smirk playing at his lips.

“I’ll be okay, Clark. Promise.” Clark nods, chewing on his bottom lip. He’s still afraid to leave Lex totally alone, but he has a feeling that it’ll all be alright. Lex isn’t perfect, and he’s definitely not how he was, but he’s better. Mostly. And Clark trusts him. For once, Clark completely trusts Lex with everything. His life, Clark’s life, Clark’s secret. He doesn’t feel like he needs to hide anymore. It’s a good feeling.

“I’ll come back tonight.” Lex smiles up at him. He doesn’t have to hide.

 

__________

 

“Clark!” His mother envelopes Clark in a tight hug as soon as he walks through the front door. It’s not that they haven’t spoken for the week and a half that he was gone, he would call her every day, to see how she was dong, if the farm was okay. But she hasn’t seen him since…since the night he had to take Lex to the hospital. Clark shakes his head, tucking away that memory for a moment. If he starts thinking about that night, he’s going to start worrying, and if he starts worrying, he’ll have to go back to the mansion early.

“Hey, Mom.” He pulls away, smiling down at her. He’s missed her. She keeps a comforting hand on his arm.

“How…how’s Lex?” Clark didn’t tell her the whole story, he didn’t think Lex would appreciate his attempted suicide being broadcasted, but she knows _something_ happened. He’d told her that Lex was in the hospital, and that he wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone, but didn’t say much more than that.

“He’s doing better. But I’m still going back there, for the nights.” She nods, pressing her lips together in contemplation.

“Clark, what happened to him? You know you can tell me anything.” Clark’s mom was always a little more accepting of Lex than his father. Clark thinks that sometimes she felt like she needed to take care of him, motherly instinct and all. He knows that she’s concerned about him, even if she doesn’t trust him.

“It’s not really my place to say.” He brushes past her, heading for the kitchen. Lex’s chef is good, but nobody can compare to Martha Kent’s cooking.

“Clark, I haven’t seen you in eleven days! I’m _concerned_ , about _both_ of you. You’ve been acting weird for weeks now. What’s wrong?” She walks over to him, rubbing his arm and fixing his hair. Clark twiddles his thumbs on the table in front of him. He does need someone to talk to about this, someone other than Lex. Maybe an outside opinion will help him. His mother usually gives good advice anyways. She usually knows all the right things to say. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“It’s a long story.”

“Well, I have all day.” Clark hears her pull out a chair, the legs scraping against the wooden floors.

“I…” Clark sighs, looking back to his mom. “Promise you won’t freak out?” She narrows her eyes at him for a moment, looking concerned, before nodding to him. “When Lex and I were down in the tunnels, we…we started arguing. About our relationship, about Lana, about all the secrets between us. And then we kissed.” He sees her eyes widen, but she keeps her mouth shut. “And it was like…it was like all the problems we have with each other, they all disappeared.” He sees her nod.

“Clark, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“I don’t know. I guess taking about it would have made it more real and I wasn’t prepared for that yet.

“That’s not all though, is it?” Clark shakes his head, continuing.

“I was talking to Lana, and she said that Lionel threatened her that if she didn’t marry Lex, he would kill me. And Lex found out. He wasn’t very happy about it.” Realization dawns on her face.

“He didn’t…”

“He said he was protecting me. Protecting my secret.” She just shakes her head, disappointment and fear clouding her eyes.

“Clark, it sounds like he’s snapped. For real this time…he could be dangerous. You could get hurt.” Clark knows that she’s just looking out for him, but he can’t leave Lex. Not like this. He _promised_.

“No, Mom, he needs me. What if…what if he hurts himself again? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I knew Lex died because I left again!” His voice is growing desperate, he hasn’t even told her the whole of it yet. She doesn’t have to approve, he just wants her to _understand_. He’s not going to let Lex die, he just isn’t.

“It sounds like what Lex needs right now, is a hospital. So he can get better.” She reasons, reaching out her hands to take Clark’s.

“He won’t go to a hospital. He afraid they’ll do to him what they did at Bell Reve. You weren’t on his side then, either, and look what happened. The last time I let them put Lex in a hospital, he almost got turned into a vegetable. I’m not going to do that to him again.”

“But what if going to the hospital is what’s best for him?” He shakes his head, looking down at their clasped hands.

“No, he…he’s getting better.” He lets go of her hands, pulling away. “You don’t have to like what I’m doing, but _I_ think it’s the right thing to do. You’ve always told me to do what I think is right. I’m not going to let anyone hurt him.” He sees her frown, thinking over his words.

“Clark, you _know_ that Lex isn’t the same man he was when the two of you were friends. He’s changed so much.” She stands, placing a hand on Clark’s shoulder. “Lex is dangerous now, if he killed Lionel, there’s no telling what else he’s do. I hope you know what you’re doing, and I hope you’re right about him, for your sake. Be careful, Clark, please.” He watches her walk over to the stove, turning it on to prepare breakfast, her heels clacking with every step. The house seems so much quieter without his dad here. Empty. Like something’s missing. It just doesn’t feel like home used to anymore. Clark knows that his father would never let Clark go through with this thing with Lex. He would have called the police himself. His dad never really liked Lex much, just because he’s a Luthor. Jonathan just assumed that Lex would become just like his father. No one is as bad as Lionel was, Clark thinks.

He contemplates his mother’s words. Deep down, he knows she’s right. Lex _should_ go to a hospital, whether he likes it or not. But for some reason, Clark can’t bring himself to do that to him. What if he loses Lex forever? He doesn’t want to lose Lex. It scares him that he’s only keeping Lex at home for his own selfish reasons, it’s not something Clark normally does. Lex has done a bad thing, a very bad thing, and all Clark wants to do is stay by his side and keep him safe himself. He doesn’t trust anyone else to take care of Lex. Clark doesn’t recall ever being this possessive over somebody before.

The smell of eggs wafts through the room, bringing him back to reality. He runs a hand over his eyes. Today he’s just going to take care of the farm and talk with his mother. He’s not going to think too much about Lex. He’s sure Lex will be fine, he’ll come back over when it’s dark out, and Lex will be fine. He’ll be _alive_. Maybe if Clark keeps telling himself that, he’ll believe it. Maybe.

 

__________

 

The mansion is quiet when he walks through the front door. Ever since the ‘incident’, Lex hasn’t really kept much of the staff around. It’s usually fairly quiet, but now it feels…empty. Usually there would be a security guard to let Clark in, but not today. It looks almost eerie, all the lights turned off, nothing but the moonlight to guide Clark through the darkness. Just like it was when he found Lex bleeding out…He shakes the thought from his head, walking up the staircase.

As he nears Lex’s office, the sound of classical music coming from within gets louder. The music echoing off the dark walls. Clark almost feels like he’s in a sort of horror film. He reaches the office door, seeing the light spilling out from beneath it. He knocks once, before turning the handle and walking inside. Lex is at his desk, completely engrossed with whatever he’s working on his computer, the blue glow cast across his face in the dim room.

“Lex?” Lex blinks, looking up at Clark.

“Clark. You’re back.” He says simply before looking behind him, at the window. Like he’s just noticed how late it is.

“I said I’d be.” Lex nods, turning back to Clark. “How long have you been working?” Clark asks, walking closer to Lex’s desk. Lex just shrugs in response, resuming his typing. Clark frowns. He’s had to have been at that computer for hours. Doesn’t he ever take breaks? Clark makes his way around the desk, grabbing Lex’s left arm and hauling him out of the chair, gently.

“What are doing?” Clark brings them to the center of the room, taking one of Lex’s hands in his, and placing the other on his waist, holding him close. Lex looks up at him in confusion as Clark starts to sway them to the music. Clark isn’t very familiar with classical pieces, but it works.

“Dancing.” He replies, grinning down at Lex. “You need a break, you can’t work forever, Lex” Lex sighs, following Clark’s movements and giving in, setting his free hand on Clark’s shoulder. They move in small, quiet circles, Lex resting his forehead against Clark. It’s calm, peaceful. Clark hopes it stays like this for a while, that these moment with Lex don’t disappear. Because right here, right now, he’s never felt happier. Clark sighs in content, letting his cheek fall on the top of Lex’s head.  

When it’s just them, at times like this, it’s like all their problems, their flaws, disappear. There’s nobody else in the world. Everything but the two of them just fades into the background. It’s like a little world, only Clark and Lex. A world where Clark is normal, and Lex never killed anybody. A perfect world. Sometimes Clark wishes he could take just the two of them and go somewhere far away, where nobody can find them. Maybe he could learn how to fly and take Lex to the stars. He smiles at that, enhancing his hearing to listen to Lex’s heartbeat.

He feels Lex start to pull away a little bit to look up at Clark, his eyes sparkling. They’re so close, Clark can feel Lex’s warm breath on his face. He lets them stay like that, for a moment. Clark thinks he might be falling for Lex, and it scares him. And he doesn’t think he’s ever wanted to kiss someone so badly before. So he does. The past few days, he’s almost gotten used to kissing Lex, but every time their lips meet, he can’t stop his heart from racing so fast he’s afraid it’ll pump right out of his chest. He tightens his grip on Lex’s waist, releasing his hand to rest between his shoulder blades, gripping at the fabric of Lex’s dark sweater.

He feels Lex bring his hands up to run through the hair on the back of Clark’s neck, opening his mouth and sliding his tongue over Clark’s top lip. They’ve stopped moving, too focused on each other to remember the dancing or the music. Clark opens his mouth for Lex, letting him kiss him deeper. Lex moves his hands down to Clark’s chest, giving him a little shove backwards. He keeps pushing until Clark feels himself bump into the arm of Lex’s sofa. He lets Lex push him down, laying them both across the cushions. He pulls himself away from Lex’s mouth, to catch his breath, looking into Lex’s eyes, seeing his pupils blown wide, his cheeks flushed.

He leans up and kisses him again, softer this time. He feels Lex run his hands down Clark’s body, sliding under his shirt and resting on his belly. He suddenly grinds his hips down, making Clark gasp into Lex’s mouth. Clark squeezes his eyes shut, feeling Lex start kissing down his neck. He tightens his grip on Lex, holding back a moan. It’s hot and heavy and Clark’s suddenly scared. He can’t have sex with his powers, he could _hurt_ someone. Specifically Lex. The only other person he’s been with like that is Lana, and he was human then. There’s no telling what would happen if an alien had sex with a human. They’re so fragile compared to him.

He pushes gently on Lex’s shoulders, putting some distance between them. Lex looks down at him in confusion, his breathing heavy, his heart thumping hard against Clark’s hand.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Clark whispers, raising a hand to cup Lex’s cheek. Lex nods, moving himself in an attempt to get off of Clark before Clark pulls on his arm, bringing him back down to lay on his chest. He wraps his arms around Lex, holding him close. Maybe one day, when he’s more confidant, he won’t be so scared. Maybe he’s really just worrying about nothing.

“You won’t, Clark, I trust you.” Lex says into his neck, placing another kiss there. Clark remembers a time, years ago, when Lex would say he trusted him and all Clark ever did was let him down. How can Lex still have faith in him after all of that? He tightens his arms around Lex, breathing in his scent and closing his eyes. For the first time in a while, everything feels okay.

 

__________

 

It’s completely quiet except for the occasional _scratch scratch_ of Lex’s pen on paper. Clark likes the days like this. Where they don’t even have to talk, just sitting in the same room for the sake of company. Lex is at his desk, scribbling at a pile of work-related papers. At first, Clark had wanted to know everything Luthorcorp was working on, all the secret projects. But now, he realizes, it isn’t all evil plans, its business. And sometimes the experiments and projects go wrong. He’s sitting on the couch they fell asleep on the night before, his feet propped up on Lex’s expensive glass coffee table, reading a book.

It’s not the most interesting book, something about a great historical figure, but Clark needed something to do and reading passed the time. He looks up, watching Lex. It’s sometime around noon and Clark suspects they’ll be eating lunch soon. He might have to snap Lex out of it again, sometimes, when he’s working, he loses all concept on time. He never did that before, not really. There were times when Clark would stop by and Lex would just then realize the time, but it was never this often. Clark supposes it’s just a way to distract him from his mind. Whatever the reason, it seems to be working. Lex has been happier the past few days.

Lex’s eyes dart up for a moment, as if he can feel Clark watching him. He meets Clark’s gaze and gives him a smile, returning to his work. Its small things like this, that make Clark’s heart flutter. He lowers his head, grinning to himself and trying to focus on the book. He doesn’t ever want this to change.

 

__________

 

Clark’s been dreading this day for a while, sometimes praying that it wouldn’t come. Lionel’s funeral. Clark’s terrified that it’ll send Lex into a relapse, and Clark isn’t sure either of them would be able to survive that. Simply planning the funeral had put enough stress on Lex. Some days, Clark would walk into his office to find him with his head in his hands, on the verge of tears. Clark wasn’t sure how to console him, either. Mainly because he wasn’t sure what it was that Lex was most upset about. He hated his father, and he would say so every time Clark asked what was wrong. He said he’s glad Lionel is dead. It’s a complicated situation and Clark’s finding it very hard to handle. He does _not_ approve of what Lex did. And sometimes, he disgusted that he lets himself sleep that man. But then, Lex will smile at him like he’s the whole world, and all the doubts go away.

He sits on the bed, silently watching Lex put on his suit jacket, smoothing down the lapels. They haven’t spoken to each other all day. Lex was gone when Clark had woken up, holed up in his office and making sure everything was in order. Clark didn’t disturb him. He stands up, walking over to where Lex is standing in front of mirror and placing a hand on his shoulder, wanting to show support. He hates Lex a little bit every time he thinks about what he did to Lionel. He hates that he murdered him.

It’s wrong, and sometimes being with him makes Clark feel dirty. He wonders if his father would still be proud of him if he knew about all of this. His mother has shown her disapproval, and has even tried talking him out of it, but she still loves him. He supposes that when you’re a mother, no matter what decisions your child makes, you’ll always love them. But that doesn’t mean she’s not ashamed of him now. She would never say it out loud, not to Clark at least, but he can see it in her eyes. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s with a man, or because it’s Lex.

Lex places his hand on top of Clark’s, meeting his eyes through the mirror. Sometimes Clark gets caught up in the illusion that everything’s perfect, that there’s nothing wrong with their relationship. And when that happens, those are the moments he just wants to keep forever. But everyone has to face reality at some point, it’s not healthy to live in a fantasy your whole life. He knows that if he were to voice these thoughts to Lex, he would disagree. So he doesn’t. Clark keeps it all bottled up and hopes that nothing goes wrong.

“Do you regret killing him?”

“No. The world’s a better place without him.”

“Is that what you really think?” Lex lowers his gaze, shrugging off Clark’s hand.

“He had the power to hurt you, and I wasn’t going to let him. I know you hate what I did, but it’s done and even if I could, I wouldn’t take it back.”

“You took a _life_ , Lex, don’t you feel any remorse for that?” Clark questions, tilting his head to the side.

“That man did nothing but hurt me, and others. I did the world a _favor_ by ridding it of him.” Lex spits out. Clark knows what kind a man Lionel was, but it doesn’t justify murder. Why can’t Lex see that? Lex walks over to his dresser and pulls an expensive-looking watch out a drawer, fastening it around his wrist. “You should be _thankful_ , I was protecting you. And your secret.”

Clark flinches at the mention of his secret. He’s thankful that Lex has refrained from asking too many questions, but if he did, Clark knows he wouldn’t be able to lie to him. Not just because Lex would be able to tell it’s a lie, but because he doesn’t _want_ to. He sees what lying to his friend for years did to him, and he can’t let that happen again.

“Protecting me isn’t worth taking a life, Lex.” He tries to reason. Lex shuffles around in a drawer before pulling out a red tie. He strides over to Clark, wrapping it around his collar and tying it into a knot, a little angrily. Clark was never good at tying ties. It reminds him of the day of the spring formal, in freshmen year, when he was standing in the loft trying to work out a bowtie and Lex showed up. He stood just a little too close as he tied it, and Clark never took the time to think about how it made his heart beat just a little bit faster.

Lex smooths the silk down on Clark’s chest when he’s finished. Neither of them has anything more to say, so they just let the silence wash over them. Clark moves his hand forward, slowly, nudging it against Lex’s. Clark wishes he had the foresight to help Lex more when they were younger. Maybe if he had, none of this would have happened. Maybe things would be a little less messed up. But he can’t change the past, not now. He already learned his lesson from that, anyway. He went back to save Lana and father ended up dead. Time is just something that’s not meant to be toyed with. Things happen, and even if they aren’t good, you aren’t supposed to change them.

Lex tilts his head up, meeting Clark’s eyes. They’re so close, Clark can feel Lex’s breath on his mouth. He wants to kiss him, and he finds himself leaning on slowly, but he turns away instead, taking a step back. He sees Lex press his lips together, looking down. Clark has never hesitated kissing him before, but then again, he had his back turned on reality.

 

 

It wasn’t a very public funeral, Lex only wanted a few people to attend. Though, Clark’s mother was invited. Clark tries not to shudder at Martha and Lionel’s recent closeness. He knows that his mother would never betray his father like that, even in death, but she still got closer than what Clark thought was appropriate. It’s probably the same way she feels about he and Lex. She must think it’s disgusting. He would see her eying the two of them, how close they were.

It’s almost satisfying to see Lionel Luthor’s name carved into a gravestone, but then he remembers why it’s there. Because Lex disregarded the law and killed him. He’s still not going to leave him, though. He grabs onto Lex’s hand, grounding him. Lex seemed a little lost all day, like he wasn’t really there. Clark thinks _He’s_ started talking to him again. He just hopes it doesn’t send Lex back into another suicidal episode. He was just getting better…

Clark feels Lex lean into him, sighing. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe he’ll be okay. Clark hopes so, he doesn’t want Lex to go through all that pain again.

“You okay?” Lex nods, staring down at the fresh grave. Clark didn’t think Lex would shed any tears for his father, and he doesn’t. But he looks sad.  Clark thinks about Lex, and how messed up he is, and how badly you have to hurt someone to make them that way. Lionel was, by no means, a good father, but what exactly did he do to Lex? What could he have possibly done to make Lex like _this_? Clark knows that Lionel’s murder wasn’t purely for his protection, there had to be something else that gave Lex incentive to kill him.

“What did he do to you?” Clark asks, looking down at the grass. He feels Lex shift beside him.

“He did a lot of things, Clark.” He can tell it’s clearly something Lex doesn’t want to talk about, so it must be pretty bad. He shifts his gaze back to Lex.

“But what did he _do_ to you?” Clark presses, wishing Lex would look at him. What the hell did Lionel do? Lex lips stretch into a pained smile, letting out a harsh laugh.

“He liked to touch me.” He spits out, glaring daggers at the slab of stone in front of them. Clark can tell that’s all he’s going to get from Lex on the matter, and frankly, he doesn’t think he wants details. He knows what Lex meant. Lionel raped him. Molested him. Whatever. And Clark isn’t about to make Lex relive those memories. He tightens his grip on Lex’s hand. The thought of Lionel hurting him like that makes Clark sick to his stomach. Lex was his _son_. How could he?

“Still think he didn’t deserve this Clark?” Lex asks, his voice bitter. “Lionel had this coming to him.” Things like this make Clark question his own rules and morals. He can’t just look at Lex and tell him the man who _raped_ him shouldn’t be killed. He just can’t. He thinks back to what Lex said to him in the tunnels. ‘Not everything is black and white.’ Maybe Lionel and his death belong in one of those gray areas. Maybe what Lex did wasn’t so bad.

 

__________

 

As soon as they walk through the office doors, Lex is yanking off his tie and tossing it to the floor, heading straight for the bar. Clark doesn’t have it in him to stop Lex, it would only start an argument and Clark would end up losing anyways. He can’t even imagine the emotions Lex must be feeling. Clark just wishes he knew what to do to help him. He watches Lex pour himself a drink with shaky hands, bringing it up to his mouth and downing it. Clark runs a hand through his hair, sighing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lex responds by pouring himself another drink. Clark doesn’t know what to do. He can’t just let Lex drink himself to death, but if he tries to stop him he knows that there’ll be yelling. It’s been so much better between them lately, almost like the two years they spent hating each other didn’t exist. He guesses that couldn’t have lasted forever.

“Lex.” He’s on his fourth drink. If he doesn’t stop soon, he might get hurt. Clark never liked his drinking, even when they were friends. But it seems to have gotten so much worse over the years.

“Lex, stop.” He walks over to where Lex is standing over the bar, grabbing his arm and pulling him away. Lex yanks his arm out of Clark’s grasp, angry, and glares at him. “You need to stop.”

“I’m not drunk enough yet.” He slurs.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, no I’m not, I can still hear it.” Lex presses a hand to his head, pressing there and squeezing his eyes shut. Hear it? Is _He_ talking to him again? Clark wouldn’t be surprised.

“Hear what, Lex? The voice?” Lex suddenly shoves on Clark’s chest, hard. Clark forces himself to stumble back, not wanting Lex to hurt himself. He’s pretty sure he knows what Lex is talking about anyway.

“You don’t _get_ it, Clark. You don’t know shit.” Lex throws a punch at him, hitting him in the abdomen. “He hurt me. Again and again. For so long.” He hits Clark again. “And now he’s dead and I _still_ can’t get rid of him!” Lex keeps hitting him, backing Clark against a wall. It’s when Lex’s fist collides with his face, and he hears a crack, that he grabs Lex’s hands, stopping the blows. Lex’s knuckles are bruised, and a little bloody. Clark isn’t surprised, hitting him would be like hitting a plate of steel.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself.” He says, Lex struggling to free his hands. He lets Lex yank his arms away, letting them hang at his sides. Clark reaches a hand out, brushing away a stray tear on Lex’s face with his thumb.

“Maybe I want to.” He hears Lex whisper, almost like he’s talking to himself. Clark shakes his head, grabbing on to Lex’s arms and pulling him close.

“No.” Clark says, resting his head on Lex’s shoulder. “You’re not going to do that to me again, okay?” He feels Lex nod. Clark doesn’t think he could handle seeing Lex hurt himself again. He can’t just walk in and find Lex bleeding out again. It hurt enough the first time. He closes his eyes, feeling Lex wrap his arms around waist. Maybe Lex will be okay in the morning. Maybe he won’t be hurting as much.  

 

__________

 

They don’t talk about what happened the day of Lionel’s funeral. And Clark doesn’t bring up what Lex said about his past. They just leave it, almost like the day never happened. That’s probably for the better, too. To try and forget all about it. Lex didn’t relapse, like Clark thought. When they woke up the morning after, he was okay again. Or as okay as Lex can get. They had breakfast and Clark went to the farm while Lex dealt with some meetings.

“If I were to ask you questions about you…your secret, your past, would you tell me the truth?” They’re laying in Lex’s bed, staring out of the window at the stars. Clark’s head on Lex’s chest. Clark wonders if Lex has a telescope. Knowing Lex, he probably does, and it’s probably an old one used by some sort of famous astrologer from the past. Lex hasn’t really asked Clark anything up to this point. He’s just tried not to gawk every time Clark displayed one of his abilities. Clark supposes he was just too caught up in everything else to really think about it. Or maybe he was scared that if he did ask, Clark would start lying again or leave him. But he’s asking now.

“Yes.” Clark answers. If Lex had asked that question a month ago, his answer would have been no. But things have changed. Lex has changed. Clark’s changed, too, even if he’s afraid to admit it. He feels Lex nod.

“Is there anything that can hurt you?” Lex asks.

“The meteor rocks. Kryptonite.” He answers, trusting that Lex would never hurt him. He knows it’s stupid, and that his mother and Chloe would think it’s stupid, but he trusts Lex. Even he shouldn’t, he does. And that might be one the most dangerous things Clark’s ever done, but he can’t bring himself to care. Lying to Lex again and keeping his secrets would put a tear in the shaky relationship they’ve built, and Clark isn’t prepared to lose him just yet.

“Kryptonite?”

“Yeah. Pieces of a planet owned by a civilization that destroyed itself, and everything around it. Apparently, I’m the sole heir of my race.” He thinks he hears Lex huff out a laugh.

“So you are an alien.”

“Does that bother you?” Clark hopes it doesn’t. Alien or not, he’s still Clark.

“Not in the slightest.”

“You sure?” Clark asks. Ever since Zod, Lex has been preparing for more aliens to come, to fight them. Clark wouldn’t have been surprised if Lex had freaked.

“Clark, during the past six years, I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff. I’ve always known you were special. You being an alien is not the strangest thing that’s happened to me.” Maybe telling Lex sooner would have been for the better. Of course, Lex hasn’t always shown himself to be very trustworthy. Clark hopes this isn’t one of those times. There’s no doubt in his mind that Lex wouldn’t hurt him, though. He believes Lex when he says that he cares about him, loves him. Although, Lex’s view on love is a little twisted, he’s still shown that he doesn’t wish any harm to befall the people he cares most about.  

 

__________

 

“Lex?” Clark’s in the mansion, but it’s dark, and silent. He keeps trying to make his way to Lex’s office, but it’s like the halls stretch out forever, catching him in an endless loop. The light shining through the stained windows casts colors across the floor, making everything seem surreal.

“Lex?” He calls out again, hoping someone will hear him. His voice echoes off the walls. He feels so cold, and alone. Clark keeps walking, maybe if he just keeps walking he’ll find a door. There’s something in the distance, a silhouette of some sort. He squints his eyes, trying to see. It’s Lex.

“Lex!” No response. Clark starts running, his feet suddenly feel heavy, like he’s wafting through tar. He’s close now, if he could just reach out his hand…

The moment his fingers touch Lex, his body dissolves, like grains of sand. Falling through his fingers.

“No!” He screams, trying to catch Lex as he turns to dust.

“Clark!” He snaps his eyes open, jerking his body into an upwards position. He places a hand on his chest, feeling his heart pounding. Gentle hands cover his own. “That’s the fourth nightmare this week, are you…are you okay?” Lex’s voice sounds far away, like he’s in another room, somewhere far away. Clark squeezes his eyes shut, trying to regulate his breathing. Lex is here, he’s here and he’s _fine_. He leans into the warm body next to his, bringing his hands to cover his face. Yesterday, he broke the bedside table in a sleeping fit. He’s just glad he hasn’t hurt Lex. Not yet at least. But if these dreams continue, there’s no telling what he could do.

He feels Lex wrap his arms around him, like he has every night. Clark’s not sure what initiated these nightmares. One night they just…started. He’s always been one to think that most dreams have hidden meanings, but these aren’t so hidden. It’s like his brain is screaming at him that he’s terrified of losing Lex. And he is. But he just wants the dreams to stop.

“I’m right here, Clark. Right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Clark feels wetness on his face. Tears. He hasn’t cried in so long. But it all just feels like too much for him. Like the whole world’s resting on his shoulders and he’s crumbling under the weight. The only thing that’s keeping him upright is Lex, as he lets Clark lean on him. As he lets him share the burden. But Clark doesn’t want to share the burden, and he doesn’t want to hold the world on his shoulders. He just wants some peace.

He wipes the tears off his face, lowering his hands and staring down at his lap. He wishes that he was normal. That he didn’t have all these things and people to worry about, and that he didn’t feel inclines to save people because of his abilities.

“Are you okay?” Lex repeats, his voice soft and quiet, but laced with worry. Clark nods, running a hand through his hair. “Was it me again?” Clark nods again, hearing Lex sigh. He knows Lex feels a little guilty about the nightmares, being the center of them, but there’s nothing he can do. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Clark says, his voice hoarse. He must have been screaming then. Lex puts a hand on his face, turning his head in kissing him, softly. Clark tilts his head, letting Lex deepen the kiss. Lex always seems to know how to calm him down, how to make him feel better. He lets Lex push him back down to the bed, crawling over him and sliding his tongue into Clark’s mouth. They’re pressed close, but not close enough. He remembers the dream, how Lex just dissolved in his hands. Like he was never really there at all. Clark’s hands wander down to Lex’s waist, pushing under his shirt. He grips at the skin there, feeling Lex’s muscles under his fingertips. Lex is here, he’s here and he’s not going anywhere. Clark tries not to press too hard, he could easily leave bruises, but he doesn’t think Lex would mind all that much. Kissing Lex like this is so much different than kissing Lana, or Alicia, or any of the other girls. They were all…too soft, too breakable.

He grinds his hips up, hearing Lex moan at the action. They haven’t gone much further than this in the past, but Clark doesn’t want to stop. Not this time. Lex breaks the kiss, moving down to mouth at Clark’s neck instead. Clark’s breath is coming out sharp and jagged, he can’t think straight. He lets the rest of the world disappear around them, focusing on Lex, on the hardness he feels between them. Lex is here, he’s okay. He’s not going to disappear. He pushes Lex away from his neck, sitting up and grabbing the hem of Lex’s shirt, yanking it off and capturing his lips in another kiss. He feels Lex’s hands trail down his bare chest, glad he decided not to wear a shirt of his own tonight.

He gasps when he feels Lex press down on his crotch. The only other person he’s been…intimate with is Lana. Clark thinks about all the women Lex has slept with, suddenly feeling very inexperienced. What if he doesn’t do it right? Clark doesn’t know how to have sex with a man. Lex must feel his hesitance because he pulls away, looking Clark in the eye.

“If you don’t want to…” Clark shakes his head, pressing a quick kiss to Lex’s mouth.

“I do.” Lex’s eyebrows draw together, and he nods. He puts one hand on Clark’s chest, pushing back down to the bed, and slips the other under the waistband of Clark’s sweats. Clark swallows, pressing his lips together, nervous. What if he somehow hurts Lex? He’s never had sex with his powers before, and he’s afraid of losing control. Lex must sense his worries, though. He puts his hand on Clark’s cheek, leaning down to kiss him again.

He helps Lex slide his pants down, kicking them off and helping Lex with his own. The feeling of being naked with Lex, touching him like this, makes his heart pound. It somehow feels right, like they were meant to fit together like this.

“Top drawer.” Lex breathes out in between kisses, motioning toward the dresser on his side of the bed. Clark reaches a hand out, yanking it open and feeling around until his fingers curl around what he’s assuming Lex wants. It’s an unopened bottle of lube. Good to know he’s prepared, Clark thinks, tossing it in Lex’s direction.

He ignores the invasive feeling he gets when Lex presses the first finger in. He tries to focus more on the hand around his dick. They never really discussed who would be topping and who would be bottoming, but Clark supposes he’d be too scared to top. Too afraid of causing damage with his strength. It’s easier this way, too, Clark doesn’t have to do much. It’s better to just let Lex take control.  

He almost whines at the empty feeling he gets when Lex pulls his fingers out, but he grabs Clark’s face with his clean hand, looking into his eyes. Lex’s pupils are dilated, dark with lust.

“Hey.” He says, a dazed look on his face. Like he’s not quite sure if this is real. How long has Lex felt this way about him? How long has he been fantasizing about this moment?

“Hey.” Clark replies, feeling himself smile a little.

“I love you.” Clark can hear the pure emotion in Lex’s words, how much he means them. Clark suddenly realizes that Lex is letting himself be completely vulnerable in this moment. Physically and emotionally. He’s opening himself up for Clark, letting him in all the way. Lex doesn’t wait for Clark do answer before he pushes in, probably knowing that he wouldn’t be getting one. Clark lets out a moan, feeling full in the best sort of way. Lex is still at first, and Clark takes in the moment, the feeling of being so impossible close to him, like they’re one. There is no place where Clark ends and Lex begins. They’re whole, together. He shoves away all thoughts of it being dirty or wrong. It’s beautiful. Clark is overcome with the feeling, the sense, that this is how it’s supposed to be. Lex’s forehead pressed against his, his hand carding through Clark’s curls. He’s never felt more happy, or safe.

Their movements are slow, loving. With hands running over each other, Lex touching him like he thinks he’s precious. Clark’s fingers tracing over all of Lex’s scars. He’s faced death so many times…but he’s still here. They make love for what feels like forever, lost in the pleasure. Lex slumps down on top of his chest when they’re finished, tired and spent. Clark wraps his arms around him, holding on to him tight, ignoring the sticky mess between them. He doesn’t think he ever wants to let go, he’s afraid that if he does, Lex will slip away. Clark can feel himself falling a little more in love every day. But for some reason, it scares him. He closes his eyes, evening out his breathing and letting the fatigue wash over him. Maybe he’ll be a little less scared tomorrow. Maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really think this fic would ever surpass 30,000 words but then it kind of turned into a monster and oops?


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